SOVA

Supporting Our Valued Adolescents: A place to learn, share your strength, be positive, and grow.

SOVA Blog

by moonblue

Caffeine Intake and Anxiety

December 3, 2019 in Educate Yourself

Caffeine is a drug. It sounds far-fetched, but it is completely true. 

I learned this from a professor teaching a science course. We had a unit on addictive drugs, and she opened it with teaching us about something many of us have – a caffeine addiction. She explained that like any drug, caffeine is difficult to stop consuming and has withdrawal effects. 

As I was sitting there, most likely with the largest size of iced coffee Starbucks has to offer, I thought about what she was saying. I did have withdrawals when I didn’t have coffee. If I waited any longer than an hour or two after waking up to have coffee, I would feel a dull headache coming on. That foggy, lousy feeling would remind me that I needed to get my caffeine fix, and I needed it right that moment.

I started drinking coffee when I was a junior in high school. Previously, I was convinced coffee tasted like dirt, having only tried black coffee from my father and grandmother. In my junior year, I was on vacation with my boyfriend at the time. He poured multiple creamers in his coffee and loaded it with sugar packets. He offered me a sip, and from that moment on, I was hooked.

Up until one year ago, I’d have a large amount of coffee each day. I would have anywhere between three and six cups, and for the most part, I was unaffected. About a year ago, I began to feel my anxiety increase in general. I started experiencing physical side effects, like noticeable shaking and feeling like my heartbeat was quickening. I ignored it for a couple of months. At the time, there were no new stressors that I hadn’t already been dealing with, so once I felt like I had enough, I knew I had to look at other factors.

I did some online research and something I knew but was avoiding for a while kept popping up: caffeine intake. I wasn’t happy about the idea of cutting back on something that I enjoyed and was part of my daily routine, but I knew that something needed to change and I should at least try to cut down on how much I was consuming. 

My new plan was to have one cup in the morning, and occasionally have one in the afternoon, if I really craved it or was meeting a friend for coffee. It was a big change at first, but I felt positive effects almost immediately. I wasn’t as shaky during the day, and my general anxiety went down significantly. It felt great knowing the fix was simple, and something I was able to do on my own. 

It is one year later, and I still live by the same rule. Now, I rarely want another cup of coffee after my first one in the morning. 

Your body may process caffeine intake differently; this is just the experience that I had being an avid caffeine consumer. And if you are someone who drinks a lot of coffee or tea and also struggle with anxiety, it is worth thinking about and evaluating. Coffee is still one of my favorite things, it is just something I am enjoying in smaller doses! 

How do you feel when you consume caffeine? Are there other stimulants that you find make your anxiety worse? Feel free to share in the comments below! 

Tags: , , , , , 4 Comments »

by moonblue

Struggles with Confidence

October 28, 2019 in Be Positive

The blog post includes mentions of eating disorders. Please read with caution if any of these items triggers or upsets you.

Lately, I have been struggling a bit with my confidence. Throughout high school, I battled immensely with self-confidence and developed an eating disorder in my sophomore year that lasted through the beginning of my senior year. After I began fearing for my health from getting chest pains and not having my period for over a year, I started the recovery process.

My confidence has come back after my last year of high school. The last four years, I have been lucky enough to gain confidence and feel good about myself and my appearance. However, the past few months have been difficult on my self-esteem. Similar to the emergence of my eating disorder, it seemed to begin out of nowhere. I couldn’t pinpoint an exact moment but I know it began shortly after summer started. 

I have found that some days, I have trouble starting and keeping up conversations and find myself stuttering or keeping quiet when I do want to speak. I second-guess myself and feel that I am taking up the time of others. Along with that, I have felt a decrease in my acceptance of my appearance. After conquering my eating disorder, I felt quite body confident and it has stayed that way thankfully, until now. 

My negative thoughts about my body have not been as severe as they were when I was younger, but it has still been disappointing to have them return after so long. I am currently working through these feelings with my therapist. 

I have learned that often times, confidence issues and eating disorders can be a product of stress. I know with my eating disorder, I felt that I was taking some control of my life and thought that it would make me feel prettier and happier. 

Because of some recent stress in my life and many quick, unexpected changes, I have felt unhappy with myself. That can change between the decisions that I make, the way my hair looks, or the way that I talk to people depending on the day, or could be a mixture of all and more. 

Unfortunately, many people struggle with confidence issues. After talking to a few close friends who I knew had confidence issues, it is apparent that these feelings can be long-lasting and tough to conquer. 

To combat this, I have been trying everything I can to gain back that confidence I know is in there. Today, I am getting a haircut and trying out a new color and possibly a new cut as well. This will help with the stale feeling I have regarding my appearance. It will help me feel fresh and increase my confidence. 

I have been making an effort to wear things that make me feel better about myself – outfits that flatter me and make me feel happy wearing them. This has helped me increase my confidence on days where it feels lower than usual. 

Most importantly, I have not restricted my eating and have been standing strong in my recovery. I use a method my therapist calls “playing back the tape” where I remember how miserable I was when I had an eating disorder. I think about how exhausted and weak that I felt. I think about how people asked me if I was okay, and people I didn’t know calling me anorexic and how embarrassing that was. I think about the fear for my health that set in near the end of my disorder, and how nothing could be worth that suffering. 

It has been a difficult blip but I feel secure in the fact that my confidence will return someday, and hopefully someday soon.

On low confidence days, is there anything you do to help yourself? Feel free to share below!

Tags: , , 2 Comments »

by moonblue

Putting Yourself Back Out There

October 1, 2019 in Educate Yourself

I’m going to be candid here: I have never done well with breakups. Not that anyone really does well with them, but I can definitely say that I handle them worse than the average person (which has been confirmed by the two therapists I’ve had during these breakups). I have had two major break-ups and both of them have sent me spiraling. I propel myself back into therapy, I lose more than 10 pounds in weeks from not eating, I have trouble going through my day-to life as my enjoyment for things I used to like is gone, I go back on antidepressant medication, and in this most recent break-up, I actually was diagnosed with (thankfully mild) dissociative amnesia. Basically, I really lose touch with who I am. 

It takes me a long time to get over relationships – it is usually a few years before all feelings are gone so it really is an exhausting experience. However, I am taking small steps to put myself back out there. About a week ago, I felt that I may be ready to meet someone else and went on a date with someone who had been asking for a while, and I had been pushing it off out of fear. 

Although I did not feel a strong romantic connection, I did have a nice time with him and even thought about maybe going out with him again. During the date, I was able to focus on him and didn’t think about my ex as much as I thought I would, which I took as a great sign. In fact, it was a relief. 

Along with accepting a date I had been pushing away, I joined two dating apps. This has been a fun way to connect with other people and boost my confidence. It is also a reminder that I am not alone – many people my age are still single and seeking even though I often convince myself it is not the case. Each of my friends and my new roommate are in long-term relationships and it can feel extremely isolating. Downloading these dating apps and seeing the thousands of other people who are looking as well brings me back to reality and out of that negative headspace. 

Dating apps can be intimidating, and if you are not over your ex-partner, it can feel like a stupid decision to make. However, there is zero commitment to these apps if you want it that way; I know people who use it merely to swipe for fun and see what kinds of people they end up matching with. You can make it what you want it to be – and the freedom to have it be as casual or serious as you want is great for people still healing from past relationships. 

Another way I have been getting myself back out there is being more social with the guys that I work with. I am lucky in that I work in an environment where our workspace is shared and there are at least 100 guys at my work, and they are filtered out often because our office space is typically used as a temporary space. This creates an opportunity to constantly be meeting new guys, many of them single, and not have to worry about things becoming uncomfortable at work if anything romantic was pursued, as they won’t be in the space longer than a few months. This has caused me to be more forward, and talk with guys who I am interested in that I know are single. I have even been out for drinks with a few of them, and one of the times I was the one who asked! This is another great sign; even though I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend, I am able to think about other guys and be excited about going out with them. 

I talked in my previous article about how I find the workplace to be the easiest environment to form relationships, specifically friendships. Although workplace romances should be cautioned and many times avoided because of obvious reasons, if you keep it casual and platonic, it can be a great way to meet others. Asking to get a drink with someone you like after work is easy, as you are both already there and many people (at least in my experience!) go out for a Friday drink after work anyway. It’s an easy invitation and getting to flirt with someone can be a lot of fun, especially coming out of a painful breakup. It’s a reminder that you still have the ability to flirt with others and not harp on your ex-partner the entire time. 

Putting yourself back out there after the end of a long term relationship is incredibly scary. You are in a massive transition in your life and are leaving behind what was comfortable, no matter how bad it was in hindsight. It’s one of the biggest changes you can go through. Although it is important to take your time alone to heal during this point, small steps can still be made once you are feeling ready to get back out there. I feel better since taking these steps, and hopefully anyone else going through having lingering feelings for an ex-partner can find happiness in these steps as well.

Have you experienced a bad breakup before? How did it affect you? Do  you have any advice about recovering from losing a close relationship and moving on?

Tags: , , , , Comments Off on Putting Yourself Back Out There

by moonblue

When Work Affects Your Mental Health

September 3, 2019 in Educate Yourself

It’s difficult to find a job that you enjoy, makes you happy, has great coworkers, and does not stress you out. When I first started my job in January, I thought I found a place that ticked all those boxes. Within a few months, it became clear that I had not experienced enough of the job to understand what I was getting into.  

Through the years, I have judged how healthy aspects of my life are based on how the anticipation makes me feel. If I begin to dread going to work the night before, I know something probably needs to change to improve my mental health.  

I know it may sound like a tall order to love your job, but there are definitely small ways to make it more bearable. In the past few weeks, I have been making little changes to my work routine to help combat some of the stress it brings me. Although some stress is inevitable, it is possible to find things to look forward to in your work life. Here are a few things I have done in the past month to improve my mental health at work. 

Introduced myself to a new employee: Recently at my office, we brought in a large group of new employees, which was the perfect opportunity to meet new people. I have been working at finding new friends for a while now and work is one of the easiest places to do this. I always found it difficult to make new friends at college; it seemed like everyone had their established friend groups and wanted to leave right after class instead of staying back to chat to other classmates. As a result, I struggled through my college years, feeling isolated and lonely. The great news with the workplace is you can instantly make new friends. Through all my high school jobs and my career now, I have been able to make friends pretty quickly. The work atmosphere promotes natural camaraderie, and there is always something to talk about because there is common ground – your job.  

Last week, there was a girl sitting by herself at the lounge where we have lunch. While refilling my water bottle, I took a chance and started talking to her about her training. Through our short conversation, I found out she was new to the area and was looking for friends. I told her if she wanted to, we could get drinks sometime after work and I could show her the city. A few days later, she invited me out and we have plans for next weekend as well. If you take a chance and strike up a conversation with someone new, it can result in a new friendship, even if it can be scary to take that first step. 

Took walks on my break: I work in an office environment and it can get tedious sitting in a chair all day. I always feel better, at the very least physically, if I get up and take walks around. I enjoy walking around downtown when it’s nice out to get moving and sight-see. This way, I am getting exercise that I normally wouldn’t be getting if I sat down my whole break.  

Wore outfits that made me feel confident: I was getting into the routine for a while of wearing the same few outfits without thought because it was easy and reliable. I have since expanded my work outfits and been more creative with what I’m wearing and accessorize with. This has resulted in some compliments around the office, which is always a way to turn your day around at work. Having confidence is a great feeling and can improve how you look at your workday. You can plan outfits that you are excited to wear, so that you look forward to the workday ahead. 

Treated myself to my favorite snack: Yesterday I was having a bit of a hard time and I decided I needed a small pick-me-up to make me feel better. I walked to a convenience store on my break and bought some chocolate covered pretzels, something I’d been craving that whole week. It was a small gesture, but it was a way for me to treat myself during a hard day. 

Photo Credit: komehachi888 via Compfight cc

Made a gratitude list: During one of the slow hours at my work, I was able to jot down a list of things that I was thankful for that day. This allowed me to focus on the positives, no matter how small. I saw this on an Instagram story of an acquaintance of mine and I loved the idea and plan on employing it more during tough workdays. If you’re feeling creative, you can add in doodles and drawings as well like my friend did on hers. You do not have to think too deeply with the list; for example, adding things like “friends and family” is most definitely something to be thankful for, but those are things that are more difficult to focus on since they are not as specific. I find it helpful to get super specific with my reasons. A good example would be, “Today my coworker told me I was doing a great job with that task I was working on” or “There was a new food truck nearby that I went to on break, and it ended up being really good.” It may sound simplistic, but it really does help. Then, when you read over your list at the end of the day, you realize how many good things did happen. 

Plan something for after work to look forward to: Whether you want to go out with a friend or hibernate indoors, it’s important to allow yourself to de-stress after work so you can recharge. I always look forward to sitting on my couch and hanging out with my dog when I get home from a long workday.

What things do you do to help you through the workday? Have you ever tried a gratitude journal, and if so, what was your experience like? Feel free to share your thoughts below!  

Tags: , , , 6 Comments »

by moonblue

Small things you can do to help you feel better

July 31, 2019 in Be Positive, Educate Yourself

This past year has been my hardest one yet. I have been through a breakup of a toxic relationship, a death of a family member, a dangerous roommate situation that led me to javardh-FL6rma2jePU-unsplashhaving to move home with my parents unexpectedly, and a consistent depression that has been tough to beat. 

Throughout this year, I have learned the incredible importance of the little things in life. When life crumbles around you and things get heavy, there are small things to turn to so life can feel a little bit lighter. I am going to go through a list of a few things that always help me feel a bit better during these times. 

Get a haircut/new hairdo. I got a much needed haircut this past weekend and dyed it a bit darker than usual. It has been an immeasurable confidence boost, as my hair before was super dry and damaged looking. Now, I feel like I look better and I feel more confident. When we get into depressive episodes, it is difficult to care about the state of your hair and it can often get neglected during these times. Treat yourself to a trim, or even a new ‘do to feel better!

lauren-fleischmann-R2aodqJn3b8-unsplashBuy a new outfit. This is my go-to. I have been doing this since I was young, and it has always helped me feel a lot better. Even if you do not have a lot of money to drop on a new outfit, you can hunt for deals and come out with a great new piece for cheap. I go to discount stores or thrift stores so I never feel guilty about spending money on new clothing, as it ends up costing me less than a lot of other things! A new outfit is something to look forward to – you can plan to wear it to a fun event or out with friends and feel confident and new while doing so.

karina-carvalho-0gU49APMKbE-unsplashDo something simple with a friend. My go-to is meeting for coffee. If you want to opt for something free, try a walk in a local park or driving to a scenic spot. When I am in a depressive episode, I find it a lot easier to have one-on-one interactions with friends so I would recommend that instead of throwing yourself into a group setting. The more people there are, the more you are going to feel pressure to talk and be fun. With one friend, you can feel more comfortable to open up and not put on a show and hiding your feelings like you may feel led to do when in a group. valerie-elash-mAcCwCRPuC0-unsplash

Spend some time with a pet. I find that when I spend some time playing with my dog at home, I feel better. If you don’t have a pet at home, ask a friend who has one if you can swing by and visit them. 

Sing and dance around. After a stressful day this week, I took the opportunity to blast music and sing and dance around my room when my parents were out. It felt so good and freeing that I ended up doing it for an hour, when I only expected to dance to a few songs. I felt a lot better after and got some of my stress out. 

jasmina-rojko-dlje3NLZQ9Q-unsplashTreat yourself to a food you love. For me this week, it was Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream. It is a small thing to look forward to, but it can be a way to make it through the week. You can tell yourself, “This week may be hard, but at the end of it I get …” and insert whatever food is your very favorite! If you have a restaurant or bakery in particular that you love, stop by there on your way home to treat yourself. 

Watch a funny or mindless TV show. For me, my guilty pleasure this year has been The Bachelorette. It’s a silly show to take my mind off things and is fun to talk about with other people. If there’s a show that you always go back to so you can laugh, indulge in a few episodes of that. 

Are there any small things you do for yourself when in a depressive episode? Feel free to share below!

Tags: , , , , , , 2 Comments »

by moonblue

How Speaking Up Can Improve Your Mental Health

July 1, 2019 in Be Positive

Recently, I have learned an interesting fact about myself in therapy. I do not speak up for myself enough, and as a result, my mental health has suffered.

I’ve always known that I can be a bit of a pushover when it comes to others. There are many times I’ve stayed in toxic situations in fear of others leaving me. I have often stayed quiet in situations where I shouldn’t have, and put up with things that were damaging to my mental health. But even though I knew it deep down, it did not fully resonate with me until my therapist pointed it out.

megaphone-155780_1280For the past few weeks, she has been encouraging me to be an advocate for myself in different scenarios in my life. I have taken her advice to heart and have been changing the way I present myself and have seen positive results. Since employing this lifestyle change for the past few weeks, I have had two friends comment on the shift without me prompting them or informing them of my goals I made with my therapist. 

If you feel that you do not speak up enough for yourself out of fear of abandonment or confrontation, consider talking to your therapist about it to develop a plan like I did. If you are not currently in therapy, you can still work on using your voice more and maybe let a friend in on it so they can help encourage you through it. 

There are three areas of my life where I feel like I needed work on speaking up for myself. Luckily, I felt like my home life and relationship with my family was decent on this front. I am comfortable enough with them to let them know if they have hurt me, or merely telling them about how I am feeling, good or bad. However, the other main facets of my life I needed work on were:

  1. Friends This has always been a work in progress for me. I am a lot better one-on-one in terms of opening up and having a voice, but I am not as strong when I am in groups. This is even harder for me to do when I am depressed or anxious. Over the past two weeks, I have gone on two outings with my group group-2935521_1280of friends and have pushed myself to speak up more. Usually in these outings, I retreat to a comfortable silence as I listen to others around me. Even though I became comfortable in this routine, I realized it was not entirely healthy. Others were able to openly share about their week – what happened at work, updates about family, etc. while I felt uncomfortable doing the same and would stumble over my words if given the opportunity to talk. I have pushed myself out of that bubble over these two weeks and have shared more about myself and started a few of the conversations. I felt confident and more sure of myself, and most importantly it made me feel part of the group when usually I feel on the outskirts of it. 
  1. Work The past two months, I have had a lot of issues with my boss at work that has been causing me to feel an unhealthy level of stress in my life that even manifests outside of the office. She put a lot of emotional pressure on me and made me do things at work that I was not comfortable with and I accessory-3589060_1280never spoke up in fear of making the workplace tense or putting my job on the line. Two weeks ago, I found out that she was participating in some unethical practices and I worked up the courage to confront her and let her know how I was feeling. She was upset at first, but eventually thanked me for my honesty and told me she would stop what she was doing from now on. Although I cannot say for certain if that will hold true, for now, she has changed her ways and it has improved the workplace significantly. I also felt much better using my voice to speak up for myself, as everything had been weighing on me for weeks. 
  1. Dating and relationships This final category is the most difficult for me, and one that I still need to work on. Something that my therapist has been training me on is how to be happy with being by yourself. I struggle immensely with being on my own and especially being single. Because of this, I have putblack-and-white-3574295_1280 up with a lot of abuse in my life from romantic partners. Although I did speak my mind some of the time, I allowed them back into my life numerous times without waiting for an apology or more importantly, without considering if this was a healthy choice for me. I tried to practice speaking up for myself this week with help from my therapist in this area. I had someone who I had been seeing for a little while ghost me about a month ago and then reach out recently apologizing and wanting to try again. I agreed, and once I saw them in person I explained that what they did was upsetting and I wish I was given an explanation or warning at the time. I kept it short and polite, but I was happy that I stood up for myself, even if it was a small step.

If you are reading this right now and feel like you can relate, I encourage you to take one step this week to do something for yourself. Do not let others push you around and speak up when something upsets you. I know it can be quite difficult, and it is something I am actively working on and need improvement with. However, it can be done with encouragement from others and setting goals.

Do you have any goals with your therapist that you have worked on? How do you work on yourself in day-to-day life? When are times that you want to speak up for yourself? Feel free to share your thoughts below!

Tags: , , , , 4 Comments »

by moonblue

How to Embrace Change

May 8, 2019 in Be Positive, Educate Yourself

javier-allegue-barros-768453-unsplashChange is tricky. It is an inevitable part of life and can be immensely positive or quite negative based on where you are in your life at the time. The spring is a time for transition – for students, it is the end of another school year or perhaps the end of their academic journey all together.

With the change of the seasons comes the reminder that change follows us wherever we go. There are positive changes, such as a promotion in a career or a new fulfilling relationship. There are negative changes, like a falling out with a friend or an unexpected job layoff. And then there are the changes that are mixed, like the bittersweet feeling of finishing college where you are relieved it is over but will miss the time that you had there.

Change can be difficult, and some take it harder than others. Interestingly, some adapt well to change and need it to feel good and to function properly. These are the people who frequently move around, love meeting new friends, and change up jobs. There are, however, many who fear change and will do anything to avoid it like staying too long in a toxic situation or not leaving a job that they are unhappy with.

However you view change, there are ways that we can all use it to our advantage even if it is under difficult circumstances.

Keep some parts of your old routine.

To keep the change happening in your life from completely overwhelming you, make sure to practice familiar hobbies and habits to feel more comfortable. If you are an avid reader, make sure to give yourself some time each day to read and wind down. If you are interested in cooking, find some new recipes to keep up with your passion (or indulge in some old favorites!). Continuing small parts of your routine like this will help you feel more balanced with the change in your life.bulbs-3702025_1280

Take this opportunity to try something you have always wanted to.

Change can be inspiring – so why stop at one aspect of your life? Is there an instrument you have been wanting to master? Perhaps there is a hobby you have been putting off for years, telling yourself you will try it someday. Take this time in your life and use it to your advantage to start fresh.

Consider seeing a therapist.

Change is the perfect time to see a therapist. They can lend some advice as you navigate this new terrain and they can offer a helpful ear if you need to vent. If you are already seeing a therapist, make sure to ask them for tips on how to best care for yourself during this new time in your life.

kai-pilger-622399-unsplashTake care of yourself.

When I am facing a new chapter, I find happiness in looking my best. If I need a boost, I will pick out an outfit that makes me feel confident and switch things up with my normal makeup routine. For some, it may be the opposite and they may get that boost through dressing down and keeping it comfortable. Think about the things that you can do for yourself to feel better during this time.

Allow yourself downtime.

It can be very easy to feel worn down during this period of change. More stress is involved, and emotional exhaustion comes along with it. Give yourself some time at the end of each day to unwind and enjoy your free time. This will allow your mind and body to have some much-needed rest to refuel for the next day ahead.

How do you deal with change? Feel free to share below!

Tags: , , , 8 Comments »

by moonblue

When a Toxic Relationship Comes to an End

April 2, 2019 in Educate Yourself

This week, a toxic relationship that I was in came to an end. The toxic part of this relationship has been going on for a little over a year and even though I always knew it was going to end in flames, I still felt surprised when it happened.

nick-fewings-532590-unsplashToxic relationships come in many forms, and unfortunately, they are notoriously difficult to get out of. Individuals in toxic relationships are so used to the push-and-pull routine and the constant heartache that sometimes becomes easier to live with than to imagine a life without it. I have read multiple accounts (and feel similarly) that people actually miss the drama that comes with a toxic relationship. Because it is so emotionally taxing and takes up most of your time, when it is finally over with, you find yourself with an amount of free time that you never had before – and it is incredibly overwhelming.

There are signs and definitions about what a toxic relationship is, but at the end of the day, you know when it is toxic. If being around your partner makes you feel anxious most of the time, and if you never know which version of them you are going to get, this is the biggest indicator. Listen to your gut. In my case, my anxiety is linked to my stomach and before meeting up with my partner, I’d feel a wave of nausea and feel all the symptoms of anxiety wash over me. This is not normal – certainly there are rough patches in relationships and seeing them may not always fill you with joy. But you should not continuously feel anxious and unstable about the state of your relationship and what your partner is going to do.

The “good” waves of my toxic relationship were still bad. It only ever became “good” whenever there was jealously involved; my partner would then step it up in fear and love-bomb me. However, as good as the admission of love was, it was partnered with checking my phone when I wasn’t in the room and telling me off and breaking things off with us temporarily if I said I was out with someone of the opposite sex, or if he found texts in my phone from other guys.

In the “bad” waves, we would go weeks without talking. If I tried to reach out, I would either be ignored or told to stop trying. In almost every case, I never knew what was wrong or what prompted the shift. I would beg for answers, apologizing profusely for imagined things that I did, since he would refuse to tell me why he would shut me out. We’d go from talking and seeing each other every day to weeks of emotional neglect by outright shutting me out, and most of the time, I never received answers. Then, whenever he decided he missed me, he’d come back like nothing ever happened and I welcomed it, desperate to just go back to where we were before.

alex-boyd-262019-unsplashThis toxic relationship has been understandably awful to my mental health. I have had to go back to therapy to work through it, I’ve leaned too much on friends, and I’ve gone through depressive episodes because of it. Being in a toxic on-and-off again relationship is like being broken up with every couple of months. If you haven’t been in one before, imagine the most painful breakup that you have gone through. Then imagine having to do that every few months. It is very tiring and emotionally exhausting.

I have missed out on a lot of what I wanted to do when I was with this person and sacrificed a lot of myself in the process. My biggest goal in moving on is to find out who I was before I met him. I want that person back – I miss her desperately. I am having a difficult time indulging in my previous passions or even remembering what I liked to do, as I invested all that I had into trying to salvage this relationship.

I wanted to write about my experience with a toxic relationship for this month because I find great comfort in relating to other’s stories. Theicon-1623888_1920 thing that has helped me the most through my breakups are reading forums where people post about their experiences in their failed relationships. It feels good to read the experiences of others and feel like you are not alone. I often read these and think, “I’m going through the same thing” or “that is exactly how I feel.”

If you are in a toxic relationship, know that you are certainly not alone and that it will not last forever. Even if a small part of you, like me, hopes it lasts forever because you love the person you are with, you will feel relief once it is over even if it does hurt. Know that you do not have to get out of this relationship right now, or even next week, but begin thinking about how you plan to get out of it in the future and start imaging a life without them. Allow yourself to think about life after them and how you want to celebrate and find yourself in the process. It is scary having an endless amount of free time and not knowing how to spend it – but I am excited for a new positive future.

Have you been in a toxic relationship or friendship before? How did you overcome it? Please share your experiences or advice below!

 

Tags: , , , , 1 Comment »

by moonblue

The Right and Wrong Times to Open Up

March 13, 2019 in Educate Yourself

I have made a big change in the past few months. I have limited how often I vent to people and also who I vent to. Up until recently, I was an open book to quite a few friends. As soon as I would start feeling down, I would pick up my phone and shoot them a text to let them know how I was feeling. I worked on impulse, and never took a second to consider the consequences of it.

It’s very healthy and necessary to vent to those close to you when you need it, but I released that I was going overboard. I took a step back and thought emphatically – would I chat-1873543_1280want to receive daily texts like those? Although I know my friends would be there for me and vice versa, I imagine it can get tiring to be on the other end. Being around negativity everyday is exhausting, and I realized that me venting constantly to my friends may be affecting them.

Now, whenever I feel like reaching out to a friend to vent, I make myself stop and think about if it is necessary. Is it something minor that happened that I will get over soon? Is it something that I can find another outlet to feel better with – like maybe writing about it in a journal? This has kept me from sending tons of texts that I know I would regret later, and I felt much better about not bothering my friends with little nuances.

I also found limiting my circle to be beneficial. Before, I had five or six people I would open up to constantly but now I’ve kept it to two close friends. This way, I don’t feel like I am burdening all of the people in my circle and I can turn to those who I know I can trust completely.

Don’t get me wrong, venting is amazing. I believe so strongly in it and constantly encourage others to do it because it beats the alternative of keeping everything bottled up inside. However, in my personal life, I have benefited from having a balance. This is not to say that everyone would benefit from the same amount of venting that I do, but this has personally helped me immenandrea-tummons-450846-unsplashsely. Now, I lean on my friends for support during more serious times. This has also taught me how to cope on my own; having the support of friends is great, but so is realizing that you can do this on your own. Once I began venting less, I became less codependent and felt proud of myself for finding a solution by myself.

Another great solution is finding a therapist if you feel like you are oversharing. With a therapist, you can vent all you want and get a professional opinion on how to feel better or find a solution for whatever you are dealing with. This helped me as well; I would go to therapy to fully vent about what was bothering me. I would let all my thoughts out there, cry, talk about my fears, etc., so that when I told my friends about what was going on with me later, I was more composed and had a more leveled head. This way, I wasn’t always turning to my friends crying and desperately asking for help. I was able to still vent and share what I was going through but without the extreme emotion.kalisa-veer-684028-unsplash

I still turn to my friends during times when I am especially upset or need advice on a really pressing issue. I will never stop turning to my support system and venting, and you shouldn’t either! This article was merely to share something that has improved my mental health these past few months and could help someone else who may also struggle with oversharing. If you vent often to your friends and find yourself feeling worse afterwards, this may be your solution. Anxiety can make us feel like our friends think we are annoying them when in reality, they are happy to be there for us. However, limiting how often you vent and how many people you are venting to can help curb that anxiety.

Do you vent regularly? Do you have specific people you vent to? Share in the comments below what you think!

Tags: , , , , Comments Off on The Right and Wrong Times to Open Up

by moonblue

Why You Should Try Poetry (Reading or Writing!)

February 6, 2019 in Be Positive, Educate Yourself

You may feel like groaning when you hear the word “poetry.” It can be a very common reaction whenever the topic is brought up. Many people expect the whole genre of poetry to sound like old-timey famous poets like Emily Dickinson. However, poetry actually comes in many voices and forms, and it can help with mental health.

coffee-2306471_1920For me, writing poetry is the most effective therapeutic activity that I engage in. Often when I get into the poems, I find myself writing things that I did not even know. For example, I may throw in something that I did not even fully know that I was upset about. When I finish a poem, I sit back and read what I wrote, and I am usually surprised at what I find. I am able to put down words to what I am feeling, and it feels like a release of stress. Writing poetry can feel like you just had a much-needed vent session, and you get something creative out of it, which is a definite plus.

Slam poetry is another way to go. With slam poetry, poets perform their pieces in a very emotional way, typically using their inflection, volume, and arms to add flow and emphasis to their poems. I have performed in a slam before and it is a very powerful experience. It feels amazing emotionally and it is very easy to slip into a natural performance.mic-1132528_1920

If the thought of writing poetry or performing it scares you, start with watching or reading poetry. I have quite a few books of well-loved poetry that are dog-eared and full of highlighted stanzas. Frequently when I reread these books, I find myself crying and letting myself think about something that I have been pushing down. I have the same reaction when watching slam poetry. Watching or reading someone opening up emotionally is a moving experience and it can help you relate and feel less alone in your struggles. Also, when you are immersed in other’s poetry, it is easier to feel inspired and start your own poetry.

Button Poetry on YouTube is a great place to begin if you have an interest in slam poems. They update constantly with new videos featuring many poets performing. As far as written poetry goes, I love Crush by Richard Siken for contemporary poetry and “100 Selected Poems by e.e. cummings” for classic poetry.

You can also be creative with the way that you write, like buying a nice journal to record your poems in. I prefer to use a laptop, just because it is much easier to work with when you want to edit your finished piece. But I have always admired those who jot down their stanzas in pretty notebooks and would recommend them if you are looking to begin writing! If you purchase an aesthetically pleasing journal that you love to look at and carry around, it may inspire you to put it to good use!

vadim-fomenok-382479-unsplashEnvironment is also helpful when finding writing inspiration. Personally, I like to be in my bedroom, and I turn off all my lights besides the string lights around my room. This is how I feel the most comfortable, and with the low-lighting, I am more relaxed and reflective. Some people like to write outside – they find inspiration in sitting among nature. Maybe you write best on a park bench or sitting in a bed of flowers. Others enjoy writing in public places like coffee shops or libraries; the bustle of people constantly around them can help generate creative ideas.

Do you write poetry? Do you have any suggestions for poetry books or slam poetry videos? Please share below!

 

Tags: , , , , Comments Off on Why You Should Try Poetry (Reading or Writing!)