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by magdalena01

Relationships in Quarantine

May 18, 2020 in Be Positive, COVID-19, Educate Yourself

For those living with a romantic partner, I’m sure you’ve experienced a mix of positive and negative experiences with each other. In this unprecedented time, there really isn’t a rule book for how to be in a functioning relationship.

Feelings and issues might surface now that you are spending most of your time together and you may have no clue how to deal with them. My partner and I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I hope some of the points below help someone out.

  • When we found out we would both be working from home, we established separate working spaces. I took the office, and he took the dining room. This allows each of us to focus and allows us to have some space.
  • We plan a few at-home dates throughout the week. Once a week, we order take-out and watch a movie, a couple of days during the week, we go on a walk together, and some nights we just watch TV and cuddle. We miss going out, but planning some sort of activity together makes it feel more normal and gives us something to look forward to.
  • We both make the effort to take care of ourselves. We each have a daily routine, we take breaks from work, we exercise, we make time for our individual hobbies, and we each see an individual therapist. Doing things on our own and taking care of ourselves gives us each a sense of independence and purpose. If one partner is coping well and the other isn’t, it can create added stress to the relationship.
  • We had been seeing a couple’s therapist for a few months prior to being quarantined. And luckily for us, we’re able to continue seeing our therapist via video chat. I believe that all couples in a long-term relationship should talk to a therapist together, no matter how small their issues are. But if things start getting bad, there is no shame in reaching out for help. And there are lots of therapists out there taking on new clients.
  • Sometimes, it’s hard not to get frustrated with yourself or with your partner. We try our best to understand and accept that our partner isn’t perfect and will have some bad days. We may also get annoyed with each other or get into a fight. Regardless of that, we try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt and support them as much as we can.

Are you currently quarantining with someone? What is your relationship like with them? If it’s just one other person, how are you maintaining balance and stability? If it’s not going well, what do you think could help?

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by magdalena01

Advice from a Psychologist on Being Quarantined

April 22, 2020 in Be Positive, COVID-19, Educate Yourself

I’m sure we’ve all been looking for solace in writing about the situation we’re all dealing with. I know that for those with anxiety, depression, or any other mental illnesses are feeling much more stress than usual. I myself deal with anxiety and have really had to adjust to this situation.

A couple of weeks ago, I saw a post that was shared on Facebook. A user had written out several mental heath tips from a psychologist on dealing with quarantine. I picked out a few that resonated with me the most and the ones that were most helpful for me. I hope they help you as well!

  • “Stick to a routine. Go to sleep and wake up at a reasonable time, write a schedule that is varied and includes time for work as well as self-care.”
  • “Dress for the social life you want, not the social life you have. Get showered and dressed in comfortable clothes, wash your face, brush your teeth. Take the time to do a bath or a facial. Put on some bright colors. It is amazing how our dress can impact our mood.”
  • “Find some time to move each day, again daily for at least thirty minutes. If you don’t feel comfortable going outside, there are many YouTube videos that offer free movement classes, and if all else fails, turn on the music and have a dance party!”
  • “Find an expressive art and go for it. Our emotional brain is very receptive to the creative arts, and it is a direct portal for release of feeling. Find something that is creative (sculpting, drawing, dancing, music, singing, playing) and give it your all. See how relieved you can feel.”
  • “Remind yourself daily that this is temporary. It seems in the midst of this quarantine that it will never end. It is terrifying to think of the road stretching ahead of us. Please take time to remind yourself that although this is very scary and difficult and will go on for an undetermined amount of time, it is a season of life and it will pass. We will return to feeing free, safe, busy, and connected in the days ahead.”
  • “Lower expectations and practice radical self-acceptance. We are doing too many things in this moment, under fear and stress. This does not make a formula for excellence. Instead, give yourself what psychologists call “radical self acceptance”: accepting everything about yourself, your current situation, and your life without question, blame, or pushback. You cannot fail at this—there is no roadmap, no precedent for this, and we are all truly doing the best we can in an impossible situation.”
  • “Find the lesson. This whole crisis can seem sad, senseless, and at times, avoidable. When psychologists work with trauma, a key feature to helping someone work through said trauma is to help them find their agency, the potential positive outcomes they can affect, the meaning and construction that can come out of destruction. What can each of us learn here, in big and small ways, from this crisis? What needs to change in ourselves, our homes, our communities, our nation, and our world?”

In following the advice of this post, I’ve found that I feel much more grounded and less anxious when I have an established routine. For me, that means getting up around the same time every day, showering, eating breakfast, working for a few hours, eating lunch, reading and playing some music, working some more, exercising, eating dinner, and evening down time.

Having hobbies other than watching TV is incredibly important for me as well. I look at this time as an opportunity to dive into some books that have been sitting on my shelf unread, try some new workouts, and cook some new recipes.

Most of all, it’s a time where I can practice self-acceptance. I’ve made it a point to journal every day, which has becoming a healing practice. And if you haven’t made time for that already, I highly encourage it!

Stay well, friends.

Have you received or seen any advice about coping during quarantine? What kind of advice are you specifically looking for?

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by magdalena01

Birthday Anxiety: Having an Existential Crisis in Your 20s

March 9, 2020 in Be Positive

My birthday is coming up this month. In the past I’ve enjoyed celebrating my birthday. But the last few years, every birthday has been accompanied by feelings of anxiety and apprehension. It seems to be getting more common among people in their 20’s. Everyone seems to be concerned with where they are in life when it comes to their career, school, personal relationships, and health.

Last year was especially bad – you could say I had a quarter-life existential crisis. I thought back to all the things I told myself I wanted to accomplish over the years and how many of those things I did accomplish. When I was younger, I figured that by that point I would be working my dream job, be married to the perfect guy, and live in a nice house with a garden and a pond. I thought about where I wanted to be by that point in my life and wallowed in the fact that I didn’t feel like I had succeeded in my path. It felt like I was the only one out of everyone around me that didn’t have things figured out. That birthday really made me think about where I was in life versus where I wanted to be.

Fast forward one year later, I’m certainly not having an existential crisis, but it’s still not a birthday without some worry over life in general. I have tried to implement some practices for gratefulness and mindfulness like keeping a journal and meditating. These practices have helped at times where I can’t help but ask myself “what have you accomplished?” or “what are you doing with your life?” I remind myself that sometimes it’s okay to not know, or to still be figuring things out. In the meantime, there are things I’m really grateful for in my life. I may not be married, or working my dream job, or have a house with that garden or pond. But I do have a small cozy apartment, loving boyfriend, and great coworkers who I consider to be like family.

What do you think about your birthday? Do you feel like you have to meet a certain set of goals by a certain age? Have you ever compared where you are and your accomplishments to others your age? What advice do you have to avoid doing this?

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by magdalena01

The Stigma of Talking About Your Mental Illness

February 18, 2020 in Educate Yourself

Growing up, my family always had a stigma over mental health. I grew up believing therapy was for “crazy people” and that if you feel depressed or anxious, you should just spend more time with your friends or go do something outside instead of taking medication or talking to a therapist. I was also reminded to be careful not to overshare my thoughts and feelings because according to my parents, “nobody wants to hear about your problems, everyone has them, so don’t be so sensitive.”

In high school, I started to develop generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). I started struggling with negative self-talk, confidence issues, and constant excessive worrying. Whenever I brought any of this up to my parents, my mom would tell me to “get over it” and my dad would just fall silent. I learned to just bottle up those feelings, thinking no one would listen. I began to see myself as weak and sensitive, all the things my mother told me not to be.

Things got progressively worse throughout my high school years. During my senior year, I decided to go talk to my doctor. She diagnosed me with GAD and prescribed medication. When my parents found out, they tried to convince me that I didn’t need it; that it was all in my head. But I fought back, and things got slightly better after I started taking medication.

Not being able to confide in my parents about my anxiety early on made it very difficult for me to navigate the rest of my high school and my college years. I was terrified of talking to friends or boyfriends or teachers about it because I was afraid they would reject or scold me. Over time though, with the help of therapy, I slowly realized that those closest to me wanted to know what was going on with me. When I gently brought up things that were on my mind, I was met with compassion and sympathy, rather than the judgement I had feared and expected. I learned that there would always be someone there to listen to me, and that there’s no shame in being vulnerable.

What has your experience been in bringing up issues that are bothering you to those you’re closest to? Does your family have a stigma against mental illness? If so, how did it affect you?

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by magdalena01

The Importance of Hobbies in Dealing With Anxiety

January 22, 2020 in Educate Yourself

As the new year (and decade) started hitting, like most others, I began to reflect on 2019 – what went well, what didn’t, what I accomplished, and what I want to improve. And in talking with my therapist recently, I’ve decided the big overarching thing in my life that I want to improve is my anxiety.

We talked through some strategies to help me stay in the present moment when my mind wanders into the future and gives me all these “what-if” scenarios. She asked me what I enjoyed doing in my spare time. Some of my hobbies are playing music, running, yoga, and reading. But there were times last year where I would avoid doing any of those things for long periods of time because I was too wrapped up with all these negative thoughts, sometimes about a hobby of mine. A friend would send me a video of him playing a song he just learned, and I would think “they’re so much better than me, I’ll never be that good.” Or I would be in a yoga class and someone near me would be doing a difficult move with ease and I would think “I’ll never be able to do that, what’s the point?”

So she rephrased the question and asked, “what do you do that helps you focus on the present moment?” And I had to think about that for a minute. But what I realized was that when I’m not thinking negatively of myself and allow myself to be fully present, I really enjoy all my hobbies. And afterwards I feel relaxed, at ease, and accomplished. The conversation then shifted to the purpose of having hobbies outside of work or school. We all deal with stress and we all need a “recovery period,” especially those dealing with anxiety or depression, where those illnesses force our minds into dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. If we can find something that makes us focus on the present moment, whether it’s something active like yoga, running, or kickboxing, or something less intense like mediation, writing, or drawing, our minds will be able to go to a much better place.

What are your hobbies? Do you know people who have similar hobbies? Have you ever compared yourself to them? How do you feel about your hobbies?

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by magdalena01

Meditation

December 16, 2019 in Be Positive

A few months ago, my anxiety was at a peak. I was dealing with stress and dissatisfaction at my job and was stressing over money after having just moved. I’ve been a regular yoga practitioner for years, but never got much out of the meditation side of it.

But I needed something to calm me down. So I downloaded some apps to try and watched some YouTube videos of guided meditations. I also tried meditating in complete silence on my own. I started meditating in the evenings before bed. Then decided to start meditating in the mornings before work as well. I started out at about a minute or two each time. Then I got up to five minutes. Then I was meditating for ten minutes in the evenings and five minutes in the mornings. Sometimes a meditation was preceded by some yoga or exercise. Other times I was in PJ’s or work clothes fitting in a few moments of contemplation. And over time, I noticed myself just being calmer. I wasn’t rushing in the mornings, I was falling asleep easier at night, and generally wasn’t sweating the little things.

I’m not an expert on the subject at all, but I have some insight for those who have thought about trying it or have tried it but got frustrated when they couldn’t get their minds to calm down.

When I talk to co-workers and friends about meditation, they immediately tell me “I can’t meditate. My thoughts just start racing and I can’t get them to stop. And I can’t sit still for that long. I just can’t do it.” Sometimes that’ll happen and it’s okay. Do not beat yourself up for it and call it a failed attempt. The fact that you took that time for yourself means something. My thoughts race all the time when I sit down to meditate. You slowly learn to acknowledge them and let them pass by rather than turning your mind completely off.

Like anything else, it takes practice. No one is going to be a master in meditation right away. Devote thirty seconds to sitting in a comfortable seat, on a chair or on the floor, close your eyes, and just see what that’s like. Then up it to one minute, then a minute and a half, and so on. Don’t think about whether you’re doing it right or wrong. Just focus on the experience.

It’s your time. So many of us have so many things going on from class, to work, to household duties. We focus on doing things for others. Setting aside a few moments for yourself can be incredibly revitalizing. Whether you’re sitting down to reflect on the day, ponder a big decision, or you’re just letting your mind rest, remember that you are taking that time for you – for your mental and physical well-being.

Do you meditate? Have you ever tried meditation? What other activities do you do just for yourself?

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by magdalena01

Finding Motivation For Your Passions

November 18, 2019 in Be Positive

The past few months, I haven’t given any time to writing music, which is something I used to be very passionate about. Music used to be a big coping mechanism for me for dealing with my anxiety. Any negative emotions I felt could easily be expressed through writing a song.

Years ago, I got broken up with and I spent that entire summer writing music about my ex, which helped tremendously in getting over him. There were nights where I stayed up until 2:00 or 3:00 just playing music, and it was great. It felt so good to be creative, to come up with an idea and work at it from the ground up, and to listen to the result of my work once a song was finished. And it felt really good to share my work with other people and see them react to it in a positive way.

Somewhere along the way though, I lost the motivation to create music.

I come up with a lot of excuses – I’m too busy, I’m too tired, I don’t feel like it, etc. Maybe I am too busy now. I work a full-time job, and the past couple of months I’ve been working over 40 hours a week. I come home and I don’t really feel like doing much of anything. I’m getting burnt out and I don’t know what to do.

How do you find inspiration to do something you used to love when you feel completely drained at the end of the day? It’s scary to think about this thing that used to be such a big part of me slip away. I’m also scared of jumping back into it and finding out that I’ve gotten bad since I haven’t played music in a while. But how do you convince yourself that it’s still worth doing?

Are there any things that you’re passionate about? Did you ever lose passion for things you cared a lot about? Do you have any suggestions for getting back into your passions?

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by magdalena01

Gratitude

October 9, 2019 in Educate Yourself

My entire life I’ve been comparing myself to others. In college and high school I was constantly judging my value based on my peers’ value. I put so much thought into how people around me were doing in their lives and everything they had rather than focusing on how I was doing and what I had. This type of thinking didn’t get addressed until much later and led to some serious thought distortions – I’m a failure, I haven’t accomplished enough, I won’t amount to anything. This thought process has contributed to my anxiety. And in some cases, it has been the cause of it.

I’ll be completely honest, I’ve been doing it to this day. When I compare myself to someone else, all of a sudden, I feel like there’s something missing in my life – a more fulfilling career, a better car, nicer clothes, a thinner body, etc. And unless I address it right away, my life won’t have value without that thing. I see people my age who have established careers and seem to have a sense of purpose, while I feel totally lost. Or I’ll see someone wearing a nice dress or pair of shoes and I’ll think, “why can’t I have that dress?” or, “why don’t I have shoes that nice?”

So I’ve started practicing gratitude by writing down three things I’m thankful for every day, per my therapist’s suggestion. It felt cheesy at first. But after the first few times, it really got me thinking about the things I do have in my life. And it made me realize that I really do have a lot to be thankful for.

When I started the gratitude practice, one of the first things I wrote about was running. Every time I would go for a run, I saw people who were running faster than me, were more athletic, in better shape, etc. I would compare myself to them and immediately feel incredibly discouraged. When I had started running last December, I hadn’t exercised in over a year, had just quit smoking, and didn’t even have good sneakers. I could barely run for 30 seconds. Now, I’m training for a 5K. My thinking changed from comparing myself to others’ abilities to recognizing my own progress over time and feeling proud of myself.

Whenever I start panicking over something, rather than believing that I’m lacking something, I just take a pause and analyze what it is I’m feeling anxious about. Is it rational? Am I really missing something from my life? I think about the things I’ve written down during my gratitude practice and it reminds me that things are okay. There’s no need to “fight or flee”, like anxiety likes to make me believe.

Do you find yourself comparing yourself to others? How do feel or how are you affected when you think someone else has something that you lack? Have you tried writing gratitude? 

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by magdalena01

After 10 Years of Struggling With Anxiety, Here’s Where I Am Today

August 12, 2019 in Be Positive

markus-spiske-QozzJpFZ2lg-unsplashTen years ago I was in middle school, going through my awkward adolescent phase. I wasn’t particularly interested in school, but I wasn’t a bad student. I just kind of showed up, went through the motions, and went home. What I started feeling around that time was like nothing I ever felt before. After years of being told by other kids that I was ugly and stupid, I started to believe it. In eighth grade, I had a voice inside my head that was constantly telling me I wasn’t good enough, causing an aching in my chest and stomach, regular breakdowns, and a sense of unworthiness. I had started to believe that I was unworthy of success, of love, of anything good. I started cutting as punishment just for being alive. I felt like such a burden to anyone that had to be around me.

For years, I was terrified of talking to people. I refused to open up out of fear of rejection and shame. I had a core belief that I’m not good enough to be around other people, that no one wants to connect with me, and that I’m undeserving of love. As a result, I took to some unhealthy habits and unhealthy relationships. My perspective of what I truly needed was skewed. I was lost in my own head.

nathan-dumlao-zi5vRoAP3WY-unsplashFast forward to 2019 – I’m in good physical shape and have developed several healthy habits. I’m living with an amazing partner who truly respects me and makes me feel wanted, something I never thought would happen. I’m working in my field for a highly respected company. I have a few close friends who really care about me. I’ve been off medication for over a year and haven’t felt like I need to get back on it. I still struggle, but through therapy, I’m learning new tools to help me control my thoughts and acknowledge them for what they are: just thoughts. Every day I’m working on my communication skills. And I’m slowly realizing that people really aren’t that scary.

Are things perfect? No. But I’m learning to just let things be and acknowledge the fact that I’m in control of my life, not my anxiety. For the first time in my life, I’m learning to love myself.

For anyone struggling right now, know that it does get better. You will grow and change so much as a person throughout your life. Know that you have value.

What was your experience like in middle school? How have your feelings towards yourself changed with time? Share your experiences below!

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