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by lavender_poppy

Reflecting on 2023

December 19, 2023 in Be Positive

It has been almost a year since I have opened this site. It can be difficult for me to keep track of how I am doing over a period of time unless I write it down in the moment or talk about it with someone who was with me at the time. A lot of the struggles that I had during the year were directly listed as goals in one of my previous posts! It was surprising to see that I have made good progress towards the goals that I set at the beginning of the year. Even though I was not thinking during these difficult times that I was working towards my new year’s resolutions, I undoubtedly grew as a person through these challenges that I was considering last December.

The things that took up most of my time and energy in 2023 were my job and my mental health.

I have been working at my job for over 1 year now. It was insanely difficult and I probably cried before my shifts more often than not. I survived all of the obstacles that working in healthcare has thrown me and I have gained so much along the way. I made a few good friends at work who I can celebrate birthdays with outside of the hospital. I utilize my organization’s emotional support services and have been seeing one of their therapists monthly. That has been the biggest game changer for me. My therapist has direct knowledge of what it is like to do my job and can better help me navigate the situations that come up. The most important step that I have taken in my professional journey is choosing to work in one specific unit instead of switching between two units regularly. My body has been telling me for a long time that I need to make the choice for myself. I could write a whole article on how that went for me, but at the end of the day I was finally able to hit my year mark and make some changes for myself at work that will benefit me and my mental health in the long run.

My mental health has been improving over the past year as well. The ups and downs were still there (a lot of the sadness and anxiety I was feeling was directly related to feeling stressed from my job), but I have been really benefiting from the medication that my psychiatrist prescribed. I am 100% in a better place for taking my meds regularly and going to therapy monthly. I am still working on trying to feed myself well, but I have actually started exercising again! Doing yoga 1-2 times a week has been good for me. A lot of the year it felt too difficult to move my body outside of being on my feet all the time at work. I have found a friend to take classes with occasionally and I also really like how it gives me something to look forward to on my days off.

In 2024, I have a few things that have been on my mind. I am a bit of a messy person and want to be able to maintain a clean environment around me. I have a lot of half finished tasks that I would like to check off my list. I also have been thinking of finding a new job or a side hustle and going to part time at my current job if I can spend more time doing another job I like. I get stressed out a lot by my job and want to see if there is something I can find that makes me feel more at peace in my daily life. I want to continue working on my personal relationships, including dedicating time to my friends and visiting my family more often. 2023 has been quite the year, and it is nice to take a moment to recognize my progress.

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What are some challenges you endured this year and how did you handle them? How do you practice self love and self care?

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by lavender_poppy

using laptop and smiling

Learning How to Be Alone

December 12, 2022 in Be Positive

I have noticed that I struggle with loneliness. With the encouragement of my therapist, I spent this Thanksgiving break focusing on myself and re-learning what I like to do. I rediscovered some of my favorite hobbies and found some new ways to help cope with feeling lonely.

A major way that I experience my anxiety and depression is having difficulty starting things. Whether it be doing chores, going grocery shopping, or even working on my hobbies, anything can be hard to start when I’m feeling down. I have long noticed that the transition from night to day is one of the more stressful times of day for me. When I shared these things with my new therapist, she and I discussed ways that I try to help myself. The past week has been the perfect time because I was essentially on my own: I had a stretch of five days off work, my roommate and best friend was working night shifts and I only saw her in passing, and my boyfriend had gone home to see his family for the holiday. Here are some of the things that I learned.

Schedule activities to distract myself/prevent loneliness

  • The sun going down has the tendency to flip a switch in my brain that makes me sad and melancholic. This feeling is compounded when I am alone and perceive that I have no one to talk to or hang out with. For two nights, I went to watch a movie at the theater, which was an effective distraction with the added benefit of getting out of the house. Even if I only say pleasantries to strangers the entire night, it also helps me feel more connected to other people.

Stop thinking about the activity and just do it

  • My therapist suggested thinking about the positive benefits of an action, then doing the activity, which may end up improving my mood. This approach is based on the ideas of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and how changing your thought patterns and actions can help you deal with challenging situations. I have been wanting to go on more walks outside because the weather is nice and I have done it a couple times and I enjoyed it. I noticed that I then started to worry about many other things (aka spiral), tried to stop thinking so much, changed my clothes, put on my sneakers, and just went outside. I really enjoyed my walk.

Think about what I used to like to do, and try those things again!

  • My therapist reminded me that depression can make it hard to enjoy the activities that I used to love. While I objectively knew that as someone with a psychology degree, sometimes the knowledge doesn’t click until I hear it repeated at the right time. I borrowed a few library books and re-read three of my favorites. I started a new paint-by numbers project that I plan on gifting to my mom for her birthday next year. I watched one episode of a new show and really liked it. I called my family members a couple of times to say hello. I also baked cornbread muffins.

I made a lot of progress over this short period of time and I showed myself that I am capable of working on myself. It can be really hard to show up for myself sometimes. Learning how to manage my mental health is an ongoing journey, and I am grateful for what I have learned.

How do you enjoy time on your own? What are hobbies you are rediscovering?

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by lavender_poppy

You Will Make It Through

November 14, 2022 in Be Positive

It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you’re in the middle of a crisis. Learning how to cope and give myself grace in those moments is a constant work in progress for me.

I have some awesome accomplishments that I would like to share! I passed my state boards exam, became licensed, and got the job I really wanted. This year I have tried to feel better about celebrating the big and little life changes, but it has been difficult. I feel like I am always stressed, and even when I have great days, all it takes is one tough moment to make my mood shift. Even now, I feel a bit of the sadness creeping in. Taking a deep breath is the first step I take. I won’t always be able to avoid spiraling. I can try to practice self compassion when I feel it coming on.

In my job, I have the privilege of working with clients who struggle with their mental health, just like me. I tend to not bring up my personal difficulties in the workplace because I try to focus on helping my clients, and I honestly don’t feel like I am at the point where I can handle being vulnerable in a space where I am supposed to keep things running smoothly. I did share part of my story with one client though. I told them about how I also struggle with being alone and worry about making friends, and that I also find it harder to cope when it is late in the day. They expressed gratefulness that I shared my story, and they said “I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels that way.”

When I start to feel low, I think about all the other people who experience depression and anxiety and that they have also made it through tough moments. I think about how I have survived all the difficult moments in my life so far. I try to practice the skills that help me cope with my tough feelings. One of the things that helps me keep trying is the knowledge that I have made it this far, and I will continue over and over to make it through hard times.

What helps you keeping going through tough days? What are some things you are proud of? How do you practice self-compassion and celebrate big and small wins?

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by lavender_poppy

What’s Next After Graduation?

August 29, 2022 in Be Positive

I recently graduated from my nursing program, and I am so excited! It has been a long journey, and I now find myself with a lot more time on my hands. I’m figuring out how to take care of myself in this time of big change. My current Big Life Things are:

  1. Moving into a new apartment. Finding housing is a big stressor in my life, and once I found my apartment, *surprise* some stressors still exist! I am happy to have my place and excited for my friend to move in soon. However, moving things is difficult, I’ve been spending a lot of money on cleaning materials and food, and I don’t have much furniture. Despite the challenges, I am grateful to have a space to call my own, and that is a blessing in itself.
  2. Applying for jobs. Spooky. Good thing hospitals are hiring nurses, because I know that there are jobs out there if I don’t get my dream job (that I am interviewing for this week). Interviews can be very nerve-wracking, so I am going to spend a good amount of time preparing for mine.
  3. Working on my mental health. Now that I ended school, I don’t have access to the counseling services that my university offered. I said goodbye to my therapist, who I really enjoyed talking to. I had less than 10 weeks with her but I learned many valuable tools and skills from her. I am going to take a little break, but I fully intend on restarting therapy in the near future. Life still gets hard, and I need to get better at taking my medication at the same time every day. I am proud of how far I have come, and I hope to continue.

I’m riding high from the emotional rollercoaster of having my family visit for my pinning ceremony, my recent anniversary with my boyfriend/major support system, and all the changes that come with finishing school and stepping in the unknown. One thing that I have thought about is that my boyfriend has only known me while I was a nursing student. He has seen the stress and tears and smiles and everything in between. Now that I will be transitioning into a new role in my professional life, I want to see how I can move forward in other areas of my life as well. For example, I would like to pick up more hobbies that I have set aside (painting, knitting, baking). I would like to workout more regularly! I would also like to learn how to cook more meals.

One of my goals this year is to be better at acknowledging my accomplishments. Regarding this, I feel so different from how I did in January. I’m getting better at taking compliments and lifting myself up. I can count three times that I’ve cried the past few weeks over feeling like a very unsuccessful student, feeling bad at managing my time, and just being overwhelmed. Some days are still horrendous, but somehow, they make the good ones even better. I’ve survived a lot! I want to give myself grace as I move through this time in my life, and I hope that whatever you’re up to these days, you do as well.

 

Questions for the reader:

  • Everyone is going through Big Life Things. If you have any milestones/challenges that you would like to share, let us know: how are you feeling about it?
  • Do you have a motto that helps you get through tough days? I like: “just one thing at a time.” It helps me remember to focus on the moment I am in and can reduce my anxiety about the future or past.
  • What is your favorite holiday or season? My favorite season is fall and my favorite holiday is Halloween. Dressing up in costumes can be hard for me, although I love my fall playlist! It may be August, but yes, I am listening to spooky Halloween music.

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by lavender_poppy

Techniques for Emotion Regulation

July 6, 2022 in Educate Yourself

I started a new job as a mental health technician in a residential treatment center in May. One of the benefits of my job is that I get to sit in on group therapy sessions. I have learned so much from the therapists and my patients. Here are a couple of techniques for grounding and emotion regulation that I have observed so far.

Five Senses

  • What are: 5 things you see. 4 things you can touch. 3 things you can hear. 2 things you can smell. 1 thing you can taste, or alternatively, 1 thing you are grateful for. 
  • This helps bring me into the present moment, especially when I am worrying about the past or future. Sometimes I like to do this just to feel like I am embracing the current moment. For example, I am in a cafe doing work today. I can see my empty mug, my laptop in front of me, the swinging doors to the kitchen, my dress with flowers on it, and the coffee machine. I can touch my keyboard, the wooden table, my shoes on the chair rungs, and the ring on my finger. I can hear an employee scooping beans, customers chatting and laughing around me, and the music playing over the speakers. I can smell coffee and food. I am grateful to myself for getting out of the house today to treat myself on my first free day in a while.

Box Breathing

  • Imagine the four sides of a box. Each side counts for four seconds. Breathe in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, breathe out for four seconds, hold for four seconds. Repeat. I like this one when I’m feeling anxious when I’m out and about. It cues me into bodily sensations such as tightness in my chest or throat, which I note along with the emotion I am feeling at the moment. This breathing technique helps me when I find myself breathing shallowly or when my mind is racing and I want to slow down. 

Temperature

  • Splash your face or neck with cold water. This helps in the summer to cool off too. Dipping your face in cold water for 30 seconds to a minute is described as a dialectical behavioral technique, but I find that putting cold water on my face also works. Alternatively, I like showers with warm water to help wind myself down after a tough day before bed.

Intense exercise

  • Exercise has a multitude of physical and mental benefits. While it can be hard to want to get up to exercise, you might feel better after. I find that my legs and upper body have become very tight from all the sitting I do during school and all the running around I do at work. My current exercise of choice is Pilates, and I like putting on YouTube videos to follow along to in my room. Sometimes I find myself crying in the middle of a workout! For me it can help release my emotions, and I feel good about getting some movement in my day.

Mindfulness

  • Journaling: writing a SOVA post is an example of how you can write about your thoughts and feelings and anything mental health related. It can also be a mini check in about how you are feeling at the current moment. If there are things that you are worried about or mental to-do lists that you are holding in your brain, it can be helpful to put it onto paper.

What are your favorite techniques that you have learned that help you manage your emotions and ground yourself? I would love to hear how these techniques might have helped you and learn new ones for myself!

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by lavender_poppy

Right After a Diagnosis

April 13, 2022 in Educate Yourself

“You take Tylenol when your head hurts. You take those pills to stop your tummy from hurting when you eat ice cream. How is it different to take medication to make you feel better when you’re down?” My boyfriend said this to me today after I told him about the conversation that I had with a school psychiatrist.

I am lucky enough to have access to mental health services through my university and I’m happy I have been keeping up with my appointments and following through with getting more help. I talked to my therapist a couple of weeks ago and told her that I think I feel fine about asking for medication to help my mental health. Today when I spoke with the psychiatrist, I started feeling a little worse about medication once it was more of a possibility than an amorphous idea. As a nursing student, I know that there are many non-pharmacological methods to deal with pain and anxiety. I really enjoy talking about my experiences and struggles with my therapist, and I think that she has provided valuable insight into how I can manage obstacles in my day to day life. However, I don’t always feel like myself, and I want to get back to feeling more happy than sad. I think that medication can help.

It was disconcerting to have the psychiatrist take the information he gathered through our conversation and condense my life experiences down into a diagnosis and a brief description. Mild clinical depression. It seems silly, almost. Sometimes it feels like I cannot handle the weight of the world and it is too much for me to bear. Mild. He said I am Type A, which I wholeheartedly agree with, and that I can push away my stressors and function well enough. When I don’t have immediate stressors, the things I have pushed away show up. This is compounded by life changes (impending graduation, worries about student loans, jobs) which magnifies stressors. Add in some seasonal affective disorder that manifested during my years dealing with East coast winters. Additionally, my anxiety and panic attacks were likely triggered by depression. 

Phew. It simultaneously seems like not that bad compared to how bad it could be, and also that it is the entirety of what I have been experiencing lately that is paralyzing and overwhelming. I feel a bit numb after that. I meet again with the psychiatrist and my therapist next week, and I will likely start medication soon after that. Bupropion. Funny how I will be taking the things I learn about in school and experiencing them for myself. I hope to feel more like myself. I am a little scared to get on medication, and a little ashamed. A little sad that I used to be different, that I feel less like “me” nowadays. Ultimately, I allow myself a little hope that I might return to being the happier person who can enjoy the flowers at the side of the road without expectation of sadness to overwhelm me at the end of the day.

What has your experience with diagnosis and subsequent treatment been like? How can you take these important steps without getting lost in them?

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by lavender_poppy

Ups and Downs

April 5, 2022 in Educate Yourself

22 more weeks and I’ll graduate with another degree. It seems so close and so far away at the same time. I wish I could be more excited for what’s to come, but right now I just feel anxious. A list of things that make me anxious are paying for my student loans, finding a job, making enough money, managing my family relationships, feeling incompetent, not feeling good enough to do anything right, and so on.

I know that some of these are valid worries and that some of them are things that I have been insecure about for a long time. I feel like I have had some really great weeks and some weeks that feel more sad than happy. I find fleeting moments of happiness, such as the warmth of the sun on my pillow during an afternoon nap, the way my mother says “I love you,” and wearing a pretty dress in my favorite colors. Then I have hours where I just cry and cry and cry until I feel like retching. 

I fear I’m becoming dependent on my boyfriend for emotional regulation. He gives me such a safe space to be myself that I can’t help but say “I know” when he says it is okay for me to be sad sometimes. When I’m in my room by myself I tear myself down by thinking how stupid or silly I am or I just get stuck in the repetitive cycle of thinking that I am so tired. 

I am doing very well in school. I am learning so many hands-on skills that I wouldn’t have dreamed of being able to do one year ago. I have put myself in situations that I was terrified of and I came out alive and proud of my courage and persistence. I know that I will come out of this, but it is always hard no matter how many times I pull myself up from the ground. 

I looked back on my previous posts in SOVA and couldn’t help feeling that I have slipped up or gone backward or that my mental health has just tanked. But I will take the time to help myself get through this. I will be more gentle with myself going forward.

I wrote this post when I was struggling with my mental health. It was really difficult to get through each day, and I typed this up to document how I was feeling in the moment after a cry. I was going to write another post but I feel like putting this up is one way to be honest with myself in representing the ups and downs of my mental state. I talked to my therapist and I set up an appointment with a psychiatrist to talk about medications. I’ve generally been feeling more anxious and depressed as time goes on, and it has been interfering with how I experience my day to day life. Today I’m feeling a lot more at peace. I can go about my day a little easier without the dark clouds around me. I appreciate these states a lot more now, and I hope to eventually make this my baseline again. 

What characterizes your ups and downs? How can you better appreciate and manage the flow of your emotions?

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by lavender_poppy

image of a therapy session shows a silhouette of a person laying in a chair with hands raised. next to them is a person with a notepad.

I Started Therapy!

February 16, 2022 in Educate Yourself

The hardest part was following through to set up an appointment with my university counseling services. So far, I’ve had two meetings with a therapist and my school allows me to have eight more sessions. This has been a long time coming, and I am very happy with my decision to reach out and get help. 

A couple of weeks ago, I emailed my university’s counseling center after I had a breakdown mid-afternoon. I wasn’t able to go to sleep and “start over tomorrow” as I usually did when I get sad late at night. Within a few days, I scheduled a 30 minute intake call where someone asked me a couple of questions about what I was going through and what I wanted out of counseling services, and they set up the first meeting with one of their staff therapists. 

My first meeting was on Zoom, and I got to chat with my new therapist about what I was feeling. I told her a bit about my background and what I want to achieve with therapy. I remember feeling pretty emotional during that first session because I had previously not talked about a lot of my concerns with another person before. One of the main reasons for me reaching out to get help is because of my boyfriend. He has shown me nothing but love and compassion when I feel anxious or overwhelmed, and I am so grateful for the support that he shows me. However, I know that I don’t want to depend on him to be there to work through all my emotions with me. He is a valuable person to have on my side, but I want to learn how to take care of myself to the best of my abilities, and I think that therapy can help. 

My second meeting was a phone call because my therapist got locked out of her Zoom account. Technical difficulties make life more interesting sometimes. I sat there for 10 minutes waiting for her to open up the room and felt a little anxious, but I was able to calm myself down. She gave me a call and we conducted the session over the phone, which I found that I really loved. I was able to stand up and walk around my room while we talked, and I felt more comfortable knowing that no one was watching me. She makes me feel very comfortable and like she cares about what I have to say, and I am grateful for the insight that she has provided me already. 

Here are a couple of things I am thinking about from my experiences with therapy: 

  • It was so hard to send that first email and ask for help, but setting up an appointment and getting in touch with a therapist at school was so easy. 
  • I was in a more vulnerable state during my first session which allowed me to open up about some of my deeper fears and how I handle stressful situations. I was feeling a lot more cheerful in my second session. We talked about different techniques to help cope with anxiety and stress and how I can learn them now to feel more prepared to handle my emotions when I experience tough situations.
  • Even though I am feeling happy now, I recognize that I still feel the need to continue seeing this therapist because I can learn a lot from her about regulating my emotions and dealing with difficulties in the future. 

I am a newbie to therapy, and I plan to seek services elsewhere once I reach my maximum number of sessions with my university counseling center. I would like to learn more about your experience with therapy! If any of these questions resonate with you, I would appreciate your insight. 

  • Are there any coping or mindfulness techniques that you have found particularly helpful?
  • What are things that you think about when considering if a therapist is right for you?
  • When you feel stressed or overwhelmed, how do you handle those feelings while still taking care of your responsibilities? 
  • My therapist talked about “non-productive” activities that I might try to decrease my stress and take time to myself. I thought of painting, reading, and watching YouTube videos. What do you do for fun?

What barriers have you experienced (or experience now) intitiating therapy? How do you think you can overcome these barriers, or how would you tell other people to overcome them? Is the hardest part making that first phone call? Comment below!

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by lavender_poppy

The Grass is Greener…

January 18, 2022 in Be Positive, Educate Yourself

One of my favorite quotes for 2022 is “The grass is greener where you water it.” I think it fits well with my intentions for this year. 

The first thing that comes to mind when I think of this quote is the comparison to the common saying of “The grass is always greener on the other side.” I prefer the first version because, to me, it means that I can change my life. I don’t need to worry about what’s on the other side. Whether it be in regards to my personal life, school, or my future goals, I have the capacity to do what will make good things happen!

The disclaimer I want to make here is that I am (and you are) wonderful as is. I think that I realized last year how much more I could do to take care of myself. This year, I am trying to take baby steps to nurture my mental and physical health. Change does not necessarily mean drastic measures. Sometimes it still feels like doing things that are good for me are the hardest thing in the world. 

For example, one thing that I would like to do is get an entry level job in the field I am getting a degree in. A couple of days ago, I wrote an email to a professor asking for a letter of recommendation. This involved updating my resume, drafting the email, and sending it. I got so anxious over this process that I started spiraling into the thoughts of not being good enough and comparing myself to my peers and friends who I think have done “more.” Even now, I get sad thinking about how much pain I put myself through and how easily I put aside my accomplishments. 

Today I got an email reply that my professor would be happy to write me that letter. I am grateful to myself for being brave enough to go for what I want. I still haven’t sent any applications in because I need to wait for that letter and gather my paperwork, but the baby steps add up. I am trying to gently encourage myself to be mindful of my anxieties and work to address what I can. There are so many things that I would like to do. I can spend time cooking healthy meals, talk to my loved ones more, read books I keep putting off – the list goes on and on. 

I am searching for the balance of taking care of myself while trying to be a go-getter who refuses to let the hard emotional things get in the way of progress. I don’t quite know where that leaves me. But what I do know is that things will get better. I am consciously trying to be present and show myself the encouragement and compassion that I so freely give to others. When I focus positive energy on certain elements of my life, good things will come. In a way, the process of growth is similar to watching grass grow: the change is slow going until you realize the lawn is lush. I hope that when I look back, I will see all the good that has come from me nurturing myself.

What do you think about the concept of choosing where to make the grass greener (i.e., setting and following through with intentions)? In what ways can you initiate change in your life? What are some of your intentions for growth and change in your life? Comment below!

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by lavender_poppy

Changing Seasons, Changing States

December 28, 2021 in Educate Yourself

One week into winter break and I can finally sit with myself in silence and not be scared of the thoughts that float in my head. I am glad I waited to write this post because my mental state has changed so much in the past week.

I fluctuated between experiencing glowing happiness and struggling through incredibly low points. My end of the semester was marked by academic stress, exciting events, gut-wrenching crying sessions, and heightened emotions from family issues. I was feeling so much anxiety about the past, present, and future and I felt unable to process any of it.

After the semester ended, I spent a weekend with my boyfriend. That was the turning point for the crisis I was experiencing. One night while we were having a wonderful dinner in a fancy restaurant, I felt anxiety rising in me. I don’t remember what triggered it, but I remember thinking to myself, “Don’t cry over this carbonara!” Once dinner was over and we were no longer in the restaurant, I felt comfortable crying in front of him to release the feelings I was feeling.

I have many thoughts about how I want to be a good partner in this relationship. There are areas where I see the potential for growth, and I am proud of myself because I am already trying. For example, I am trying to be better at communicating my emotions and needs. He is a wonderful person who is committed to our partnership and helping me through my saddest times. Being so vulnerable in front of him can be scary. Sometimes I fear that my emotions will become too much, and I have told him as much. He provides a sense of safety that I am infinitely grateful for.

I am a few days out from that night when I cried to him about my darkest fears. I already have found so much joy in my life since that time when I felt so low. While I know that I cannot solve all of my issues overnight, I find that I do not want to. On the way to lunch with an old friend today, I had a revelation that inspired this post. I want to turn my optimistic mentality towards my mental health. There are many things I want to do to improve my overall well being. I choose where to focus my energy. I am enough, and my perspectives and dreams and opinions matter. I am allowing myself to take up space and gently encouraging myself to not be bound by my anxieties.

At the end of the day, I am the one who gets to sit with my own thoughts. Today is one of my better days, and even then there were parts that I did not entirely enjoy. A day does not have to be perfect to be good. There are so many thoughts swirling in my head that I want to work through. As 2022 approaches, I am excited to tackle the challenges it will bring. For now, during this break, I will take the time I need to recharge because I deserve it. I hope you find a moment to do what you need for yourself, too.

As the year ends, have you taken the time to reflect about your mental health? Who is in your support system? What do you do when you take the chance to feel your own emotions?

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