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by gallara15

Are Dreams Linked to Mental Health?

May 19, 2020 in Educate Yourself

The blog post includes a discussion about nightmares and mentions of graphic imagery. Please read with caution if any of these items triggers or upsets you.

Can dreams serve as diagnostic criteria for mental health?

Since I was a child I have always had very vivid and intense dreams that I typically would remember. Most of my dreams were and still are nightmares, but I am not quite sure what that means. As I got older I discovered quite a few people never really remember their dreams or even knew if they dreamed or not.

From the minimal research I have done it seems that everybody dreams, we just don’t all remember them once we wake up. This was so strange to me since my dreams had such a huge impact on my life. I would often feel pain from my dream when injured the next morning or when I woke up in the middle of the night due to the intense pain. I would occasionally wake up screaming or wake up paralyzed while still seeing things. When I was younger, my dreams were quite graphic – a lot of it had to do with me being chased or murdered or me killing someone else in self defense.

The messed up part was that a lot of it involved people I knew and cared about. I never realized how bad my dreams were until I had a conversation with friends about their dreams and I was shocked at the difference. My people told me they would have good dreams about the things they wanted in life. Some people would have dreams where they were rich and famous.

I never had dreams like that, or at least not that I remember. At best my dreams are nightmares about current problems I am having. Such as, when I am worried about a test I will have a dream that I arrive late to the test and fail because I couldn’t find the testing room. At worst I have graphic, violent dreams in which I somehow stumble upon a serial killer and see their victims, or become a victim, or I have to kill them to defend myself. It doesn’t sound so bad on paper, but seeing vivid images and feeling the guilt and fear in the moment while thinking it is all real used to have a huge impact on me.

I still have dreams like that, but I have just become desensitized to them. My dreams have always been horrifying or at least anxiety ridden. I tend to sleep through the night a lot better now, mostly because I am used to experiencing these dreams. However, every once in a while I still have ones that stick with me. That is kind of why I am writing this now. I wanted to talk to someone about it, but I cannot talk to my family members because it will disturb them or make them feel sad. I also can’t really pay to talk to a therapist right now, and I am not sure they will care to hear about my dreams.

As I mentioned in my other posts my dad passed away recently. I have been holding up alright, however I had a dream about him last night that really unnerved me. I had a dream he came to visit me (his spirit I guess), but he did not look like what he did while he was alive or what he would possibly look like in the afterlife. He looked more like what his corpse might look like by now. He still acted like himself but wiser, and I asked him if he went to heaven and he told me no.

He disappeared when I tried to figure out more, and weird things that I cannot even explain started happening. I felt like I was losing my mind while in a dream which has never happened to me before. I was still in the dream and thought this all was happening and I called my mom and told her I needed help and that I was seeing things and unsure if they were real or not.

It’s hard to explain how my head felt while dreaming. It was very jumbled and the dream became very jumbled. I suppose I could compare the dream to one’s thoughts while having a panic attack. It was all just rushing thoughts and images and intense feelings. I guess maybe a reaction I was having to what I was dreaming? The rest is too difficult to really explain, but when I woke up I felt fearful and like someone was watching me. I used to get that feeling all the time after a nightmare as a child, but it hasn’t happened to me in a long time.

I have done research over the years on dreams and what they might mean. I cannot really find anything conclusive, I just feel like my dreams impact me so intensely and there must be a reason. Perhaps it is just my brain manifesting my own fears constantly due to anxiety. I am not sure. Perhaps there is something darker going on and my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I am not sure I will ever know.

Dreams are not understood very well and I find so much contradictory information that I cannot even make up my own mind of what I think it all means. I guess I am just hoping someone will read this and know exactly what I am going through and could help shed some light on this. Perhaps I just need to see a professional, if my dreams do mean anything at all.

Have you ever experienced nightmares? What are your dream and/or nightmare patterns like for you? Have you ever sought help or received information about nightmares?

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by gallara15

Workaholics Anonymous

March 11, 2020 in Educate Yourself

For many people, taking time to sit back and relax is an essential part of managing their mental health. I however, do not give myself a chance to do that. I have referred to myself as a workaholic and have often said things like “sleep is for the weak” or “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

Struggling with anxiety and depression pushes me to constantly keep myself busy. My anxiety makes it difficult for me to take a break because all I ever do is worry about the things I should be doing. At times I can also have thoughts of worthlessness when I try to relax. I feel lazy and wonder what I even contribute to society. I feel like I should be accomplishing so much more.

To explain, I am a full time Pharmacy student in my professional phase and I work two jobs that add up to around 40 hours a week, not to mention my extracurriculars and the side jobs I do as well to make extra money. Part of the reason I put so much on my plate is money struggles. My family has never been well off, my mother never even owned a home until recently. We would typically go from place to place and crash at family members’ houses or stay at places and not pay rent. My family has since been better off, but not well enough to really help me, and I chose an expensive program, so I did it to myself. I just wanted to make a different life for myself.

Money has always been a struggle and I thought if I got a good career, then I wouldn’t have to worry anymore. The other reason is that if I do not give myself a reason to get out of bed in the morning, then I won’t. Keeping myself constantly busy allows me to escape the horrible thoughts I have sometimes. It often feels like I am running away from my depression and if I don’t stop running, it can’t catch up to me. However, that’s not how mental illness works. There isn’t enough distraction in the world to make you feel okay if you aren’t taking proper care of yourself.

The lack of sleep and lack of free time to do things I enjoy have finally caught up to me. Any time I get the chance to be home I am studying. I have friends who live a few streets down from me and go to the same college as me, that I have not seen in weeks. I hardly ever get to go visit my family, and even though they are a pain in the butt, I still miss them. I often go several months without seeing my family, and it is starting to make me feel guilty.

My career is my number one priority, but I need to make time for other priorities as well. Additionally, I have not been able to take care of my physical or mental health, because I have no time to go see a doctor. I have a lot of appointments that need to be made, but I always had work, or class, or an exam to study for. This is getting to the point where I am hardly allowing myself to be a person. My most basic needs are not being met, and if I keep going like this, I will probably have a breakdown.

Which is why I have decided to quit one of my jobs. I gave my boss a notice and I felt so much relief when I did. It was like a weight got lifted off my shoulders. I was so excited thinking about the stuff I could do now that I could have some days off. I thought I would regret my decision, but it was much needed. I already made some doctors appointments, and a few plans with friends. I am still a bit worried about a lack in income after quitting my second job, but it was ridiculous of me to work two jobs as a full time student. Honestly, being a full time student is stressful enough. I would much rather cut back on spending than continue to work myself to death.

I still have a lot on my plate, but now I have a little more free time to manage it. To anyone out there coping with distractions as I do, it is only a short time fix. 

How busy is your schedule? Do you like to keep yourself busy? How do you think your business affects your mental health – do you use your business as a coping mechanism? How do you remind yourself to take a step back?

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by gallara15

Struggling with Self Confidence

February 5, 2020 in Educate Yourself

I have never been a confident person, and I don’t think I ever will be. I am immensely insecure, mostly for superficial reasons. As a woman, I feel pressure to be beautiful, but I don’t actually feel beautiful. I am so insecure that I often won’t let people take photos of me or go out with friends because I only feel gross in comparison.

Part of the fun in going to bars is feeling young and attractive along with getting attention and free drinks, and I watch that happen to all of my friends, but not to me. I was bullied severely for my weight as young child, and I don’t think I ever fully got over that. I was overweight in elementary and high school so people would spread rumors that I was pregnant or guys would pretend to ask me out only to make fun of me later.

I never really had many friends. What I hated most growing up was the teacher letting us pick our partners in group projects. I would sit there while everyone got into groups with their friends and once everyone had group members but me – I would have to walk up to the teacher yet again and tell her I had nobody to work with. She would either put me in a group of kids who would only complain about having me in their group or the teacher would just be my partner.

It only got worse when I started getting severe acne. My acne was so bad that people did not even realize it was acne. They thought I had some sort of disease. I would have people come up to me and ask me what was on my face and I would just hide.

The worst of all of my insecurities is my disability. I was abused badly as a child and as a result am permanently disabled. My arm was broken among other bones, but my arm was the only injury I never got a cast for. I was a baby when he broke my arm, so I couldn’t tell anyone I was hurting. I never got a cast on it, and it healed incorrectly. It doesn’t look or function like a normal arm. Everyday, I try to hide it. With every outfit I choose, and every movement I make, I attempt to hide my deformity, but it has taken a tole on my mental health. I want to wear clothing I like simply because it is cute, but there is so much clothing I cannot wear because it doesn’t cover my arms. I wear jackets when it is hot out and people always ask me why, and I just tell them I am cold. Everyone thinks I am just some weird constantly cold creature, but really I’m about to die of a heatstroke half the time. I tried to get my arm fixed but the doctors told me it would never work properly. Because it would only help the way it looks, the surgery would be considered cosmetic and not covered by my insurance. I cannot afford to get it fixed, so I continue to live with it every day as a constant reminder or what happened to me, and how I don’t fit in with everyone else.

As I got older and did more research, I was able to find out that my severe cystic acne was due to PCOS. This is known as polycystic ovarian syndrome causing females to produce more testosterone than normal. It leads to obesity, cystic acne, male hair growth, painful irregular periods, and male pattern baldness. I luckily wasn’t going bald, but I had all of the symptoms. I have since been treated, however the acne and weight is still hard to control. My acne is so much better now, but the scaring is pretty severe, I don’t always hide my acne anymore, but now I hide my scars.

It just really sucks having to constantly feel afraid and hide myself. It not only gets in the way of me wearing what I want to wear but I can’t even do things I love like swimming. There is no way I would go out in public in a bathing suit, and I draw just as much attention to myself wearing full clothing in a pool, not to mention it makes swimming more difficult. I just want to look normal and live a normal life. I don’t want to care about these things anymore, but I can’t help it. I often cry when looking in the mirror and going clothes shopping which I know a lot of other people, especially those who struggle with weight do.

I have tried showing my arms and my scars before, but people always make comments or freak out because they don’t realize my scars are actually scars. They are big big bumps and gashes, so people will think I’m injured or something is seriously wrong with me and they freak out and tell me to see a doctor. It is just too much for me to handle. I am hard enough on myself about my looks, I can’t really handle the comments from others. My insecurities really hold me back from truly living and from connecting with others.

One good thing has come of it, however. I am one of the least superficial people when it comes to how others look. I would never judge someone based on their appearance, and I always try hard to help others feel confident. I tell my friends and family every day how beautiful they are and I stick up for others who are bullied. I think everything I have been through has made me much more compassionate than the average person. I also feel as if I can see past physical appearances to see the true beauty underneath. I judge myself harshly, but I try not to judge others, because I know how it feels. I also know that we have no idea what others go through every day.

There is not a single person on earth who has not suffered. As sad as it is that is something that connects us all. I hope to one day be able to afford the surgery and scar removal to help my confidence, but until then I’ll have to work on loving myself as is.

Do you have any insecurities? What is your journey with self-confidence like?

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by gallara15

Coping With Loss

January 8, 2020 in Educate Yourself

Before now, I have never lost someone I loved or at least not to death.

I have had people walk out of my life before. Those people were once so important, but now I barely think of them. It honestly never hurt me that much to lose people in that way, because I knew there was a choice involved. If they wanted to be in my life they could, and if I wanted them in my life, I could make an effort to keep them there. Growing apart is a natural phenomenon, which I have never had an issue with. I see most people in my life and most situations as fleeting. Nothing is permanent; not how you feel, not who you are, and not who is there for you. Everything changes no matter what you do. If somehow your life remains the same throughout the years, then you have not really lived. Humans, despite the fact that they spend their lives trying to build a shelter for themselves and their family, are not really meant to stay still; figuratively or literally. I have always accepted this fact.

I knew logically that I would lose my family one day. Nobody lives forever. I knew that unless I died young, I would have to watch my parents die. I just did not think it would be so soon. I hoped I would have more time. If anyone has read my last post, my father was in hospice care. He was battling cancer and got several infections that could not be cured. The doctors predicted he would die within days, but he was stronger than we thought. He fought for a few more weeks, until he couldn’t fight anymore.

When my mother called me telling me, he hadn’t woken up in days, I knew I was finally losing him. I went home that night to say goodbye. He couldn’t speak or open his eyes, but when I held his hand I felt him squeeze it. I told him it was okay to stop fighting. I told him I loved him and would miss him, but I would be okay. I told him the family would all take care of each other. He didn’t need to worry about us anymore.

I was the last to say goodbye, and that morning I got a call that he passed away. I think he was waiting for me. I think he wanted to make sure I would be okay, if he moved on. I continued on with my finals, as if nothing had happened. I put all of my energy into passing them, not just for me, but for him. I wanted to make him proud. My grades were always important to him, so I couldn’t let myself fall apart.

His death didn’t truly hit me until the funeral. That’s when I saw his lifeless body lying in the casket. I really hate open casket funerals. Let’s all just gaze at the dead, dressed up corpse of our loved ones? It just seems messed up to me, but I suppose some people need it for closure. I guess that is what it gave me. I did not cry much until I saw him there in the casket. It was him, but not. There he was, but he couldn’t hear me or speak to me. It was just a body. I would never hug him or talk to him again. That’s when I started crying. I just couldn’t look at him like that.

I cried that whole day. I suppose I was letting out what I had been keeping in all that time. I know a lot of people take comfort in the fact that their loved ones are no longer suffering or that they will meet again in heaven, but I am not sure what I believe.

It also doesn’t really matter what I believe, because it doesn’t make it true. The truth is the only people who know what awaits us in the afterlife are dead, and that is if anything waits for us at all. I still pray that whatever the afterlife holds, that my dad is at peace, but I guess I have no way of knowing till I eventually join him. I am not sure how to cope. The uncertainty keeps me from being at peace with the loss, but it also keeps me from being destroyed by it as well. I can’t continue to worry about the questions that I may never have the answer to.

Have you ever lost a loved one? How do you feel about death? What experiences do you have with loss, and how did you process them (or not)? What would you have done differently?

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by gallara15

The Enigma of Emotions

November 26, 2019 in Educate Yourself

In previous posts I have talked about my struggles with depression and anxiety, but I suppose this one is more so about my confusion. I have always had trouble understanding my emotions and the emotions of others. I often times feel certain emotions like anxiety or depression and cannot pinpoint why. I also feel emotions that I cannot identify. I have no idea what I am feeling or why I am feeling it. Originally, I thought that everyone else had the same issues, but when I talked about it with family members, they could not identify with my issues.

When tragic things happen, I find myself not knowing how to feel, or how to properly express my emotions. Sometimes, I feel as if I want to cry, but can’t. I am not sure how “normal” any of this is which is part of why I want to talk about it.

Right now my father is in hospice care, and I feel like I should be a mess and failing all of my classes, but I’m not. For those unfamiliar with hospice care, it is when you are in the final stages of a terminal illness and their goal is to make you comfortable while you die. I am far too young to be losing him, and he is far too young to be dying, but he has been fighting cancer for years, and he just can’t win. The doctors said he would die within a few days of leaving the hospital, but he has made it past a week. This makes me hopeful that he will at least be around for the holidays, but I am not sure. I do not cry very often about this and I continue on with my daily activities with work and college as if nothing is happening.

People often ask me how I am keeping it together, and honestly I am not sure. I have a way of distancing myself from my emotions and what is happening in my life. I suppose it is a coping mechanism. It is most likely unhealthy, but I do not do it on purpose. I feel as if I have been through so much, I am numb to most pain anyone else could cause me, either that or I refuse to face the pain I feel. I keep distracting myself with planning Christmas parties and buying gifts, but I am honestly worried that I may lose my mind when he passes. I have never lost anyone in my family that I was close to, so I cannot predict what emotions I may or may not feel. I also have no idea of how to cope with this loss.

To be blunt, I am also afraid that I will not be a mess when he dies and I will go on as if it never happened. As of right now the days feel like normal days and it hardly ever feels like I am losing my father. If I am not an emotional mess when he dies, does that make me a monster? If I can distance myself from feeling the pain of his death, then I will genuinely be worried about what kind of person I am. Am I uncaring and insensitive?

I am sure this blog is as confusing and chaotic as my thoughts right now. I do not know how I feel now or how I will feel once the worst happens. Perhaps the reality just hasn’t sunken in, and I am holding on to hope, but there is no hope. He will not make it, unless some insane unexplainable miracle happens. I want a miracle, but I don’t believe in them, or at least I don’t believe I’ll ever experience them. I am sorry for the depressing post, I just wanted to share my thoughts in hopes others may feel the same way. If you do please let me know, because right now I am feeling like an anomaly.

Have you ever experienced a significant loss or gone through a significant negative life event? What kind of emotions did you experience, if any? Do you have any advice about handling confusing or conflicting emotions?

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by gallara15

In a Dark Place

October 22, 2019 in Educate Yourself

I really want to write something inspirational, but I am not feeling very inspirational right now. In my previous post I talked about my struggle with anxiety, but I kind of need to touch on depression.

Since I was a child, I would often feel a deep sadness for seemingly no reason. It was part of why I did not really have friends when I was younger. I would also cry and not know why I was crying, which looking back may have been odd behavior for a child. Although I struggled with this since I was very young, I never actually sought help until I was 18. I wish I would have sooner. There was so much I didn’t understand and still don’t understand.

Sometimes I just wake up and feel an intense sadness and lack of will to get out of bed. I feel as if I might cry or need a hug. I, of course, never told anyone I felt this way. First, because I didn’t understand it, and second, because I felt embarrassed. I was not super comfortable in sharing my emotions. I preferred to keep to myself and still do, but it is healthy to open up every once in a while.

Mental illness such as depression can be genetic but it is important to consider nature vs nurture. I had a rough childhood growing up. I was raised by a single mom with my little sister and she had some abusive boyfriends come in and out of our lives. I guess it makes sense I ended up so damaged. I used to wonder why I am the way that I am, but looking back, the odds were never in my favor. Even now I still feel the hopelessness I used to feel so often growing up. I have since been away from my family and been getting treatment, so the depression is a lot more tolerable.

However, it will never stop being a part of my life. I still have days where I don’t want to get out of bed for work or school. I have always had good grades despite being an emotional mess, but lately it is harder to balance grades and my well-being. I am in college now, so the work is a lot harder and the stakes are a lot higher. The stress is constant and the hopelessness can make it impossible. I graduated high school at the top of my class and now I fear I won’t graduate college. I know this may be hard to read, but it is how I feel currently and I would be lying if I said that I was happy and okay. I am not sure I will ever be okay, but I will try my best.

Mental health is very important and it impacts all aspects of your life and I really want to succeed. I want to get my degree and be successful, it just feels so far away right now. This may not be a positive post, but perhaps it is relatable to some people out there. It probably won’t make anyone feel better, but maybe it will make someone feel less alone.

Have you felt down or that you’re in a rut recently? Are there moments when you feel like your mental health journey goes backwards? How do you handle or cope with intense depressive episodes?

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