In previous posts I have talked about my struggles with depression and anxiety, but I suppose this one is more so about my confusion. I have always had trouble understanding my emotions and the emotions of others. I often times feel certain emotions like anxiety or depression and cannot pinpoint why. I also feel emotions that I cannot identify. I have no idea what I am feeling or why I am feeling it. Originally, I thought that everyone else had the same issues, but when I talked about it with family members, they could not identify with my issues.
When tragic things happen, I find myself not knowing how to feel, or how to properly express my emotions. Sometimes, I feel as if I want to cry, but can’t. I am not sure how “normal” any of this is which is part of why I want to talk about it.
Right now my father is in hospice care, and I feel like I should be a mess and failing all of my classes, but I’m not. For those unfamiliar with hospice care, it is when you are in the final stages of a terminal illness and their goal is to make you comfortable while you die. I am far too young to be losing him, and he is far too young to be dying, but he has been fighting cancer for years, and he just can’t win. The doctors said he would die within a few days of leaving the hospital, but he has made it past a week. This makes me hopeful that he will at least be around for the holidays, but I am not sure. I do not cry very often about this and I continue on with my daily activities with work and college as if nothing is happening.
People often ask me how I am keeping it together, and honestly I am not sure. I have a way of distancing myself from my emotions and what is happening in my life. I suppose it is a coping mechanism. It is most likely unhealthy, but I do not do it on purpose. I feel as if I have been through so much, I am numb to most pain anyone else could cause me, either that or I refuse to face the pain I feel. I keep distracting myself with planning Christmas parties and buying gifts, but I am honestly worried that I may lose my mind when he passes. I have never lost anyone in my family that I was close to, so I cannot predict what emotions I may or may not feel. I also have no idea of how to cope with this loss.
To be blunt, I am also afraid that I will not be a mess when he dies and I will go on as if it never happened. As of right now the days feel like normal days and it hardly ever feels like I am losing my father. If I am not an emotional mess when he dies, does that make me a monster? If I can distance myself from feeling the pain of his death, then I will genuinely be worried about what kind of person I am. Am I uncaring and insensitive?
I am sure this blog is as confusing and chaotic as my thoughts right now. I do not know how I feel now or how I will feel once the worst happens. Perhaps the reality just hasn’t sunken in, and I am holding on to hope, but there is no hope. He will not make it, unless some insane unexplainable miracle happens. I want a miracle, but I don’t believe in them, or at least I don’t believe I’ll ever experience them. I am sorry for the depressing post, I just wanted to share my thoughts in hopes others may feel the same way. If you do please let me know, because right now I am feeling like an anomaly.
Have you ever experienced a significant loss or gone through a significant negative life event? What kind of emotions did you experience, if any? Do you have any advice about handling confusing or conflicting emotions?