SOVA Blog

by pogwithablog

The End Doesn’t Feel Real

April 27, 2021 in COVID-19, Educate Yourself

I can confidently say the best years of my life have been in college. I need the structure, the crumbs of responsibility, the freedom from paying health insurance. So when people remind me that there are two more days of classes, I don’t even feel anything. No emotion, because my brain can’t understand that this period is closing.

I realized for the first time yesterday how much was taken away from us this year. I feel guilty saying things were taken from “me” because this pandemic has affected us all. At times, it hurts because I feel like I can’t complain on my own about my own problems because this pandemic is felt by all, not just me. I guess I just wish I had more memories that didn’t look all the same. Yes, this year was wonderful, but it is hard to remember special days when everyday was spent in the same house, in the same outfit.

I forgot that I was looking forward to being a senior. I wanted so long so enjoy the clout being 21 automatically gives you. But I didn’t go out. I didn’t meet a first-year student to mentor. I didn’t get to be the senior that every younger girl in the sorority looks up to. And when I was living my life this year I didn’t crave those things, I went with the flow and acknowledged that we were all missing out.  I liked my slow Zoom days, followed by familiar reruns of shows from my childhood with my roommates. But now that it’s over and this time will never be returned to me I am starting to feel pain.

In a way, it’s like my loved one has received news that they have a terminal illness. I can try to enjoy this time I have, but in the back of my mind I remember, “This might be the last time.” I mourn the idea of my five roommates, my five best friends, never seeing each other again at the same time. I feel like I need them all, like they are all a part of me. And I don’t think I can move on from this experience alone. I’m not ready to live by myself, be the sole Ruler of my life. I am a 21 year old kid, and the world around me is growing up. But I am not ready and I am very scared.

Have you felt like you have missed any milestones because of the pandemic? How has this affected you? For those who have graduated college, what advice do you have about life after?

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by pogwithablog

Again, what is happening to my body?

March 17, 2021 in Uncategorized

My body and my mind have not been communicating well with each other recently. From trembling fingers to tender thighs, I’m not sure what these neurological signs are telling me. I also link these symptoms to anxiety, though. And, maybe this is ironic, but when I make the connection that these feelings are just physical manifestations of my anxiety, I don’t worry. My stomach has been hurting from anxiety since 3rd grade. That was normal; this is new. And because it’s new, I’m not sure if it is normal.

My intention with this blog post is to document my feelings and sensations and to perhaps discover that other people experience these same feelings.

Off the top of my head, here is what my body does:

  • Twitchy and trembling fingers.
  • Tenderness on the tops of my thighs. When I rub my legs through my pants it feels as if my skin underneath is completely bruised, but the pain is only really felt on the top few layers of my skin.
  • I’ll stand in a room without a single thought in my mind starring into space for minutes at a time.
  • I’ll be watching television and will just randomly stand up and sit down.
  • In the mornings it feels like I just took a brisk walk even though I just woke up. It’s hard to catch a breath.
  • I am never hungry.

Do any of these sound like you? Tell me about it if you feel comfortable! What do you think my body is telling my brain?

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by pogwithablog

What is my body telling me? I am listening, but I can’t understand.

March 16, 2021 in Educate Yourself

I remember being complimented once by a therapist for being so “self-aware” and “in tune” with my emotions. This is true. I tend to be a person who can recognize a feeling and communicate how this feeling affects me to other people. But recently I’ve been having a more difficult time unpacking my physical and emotional feelings.

It’s like it will hit me out of nowhere; a gust of stress will push against me from behind and remind me that I am still three days behind on that paper. Almost always, I breathe out a sharp but exhausted, “F*ck!” to myself. This hot wave washes over me and I resume whatever activity I’m in the middle of, like cooking or other work. Sometimes, especially at the beginning of the day, it feels like my skin is too tight for my body. Or as if the outfit I’m wearing was purposely intended to make my whole body’s nerves unbearably active. Or sometimes it feels like my body is completely devoid of all organisms inside; I gaze at myself in the mirror, but I feel only air beneath the skin I see. Maybe my skin has a cool numbness sensation on it? This feeling of weightlessness isn’t relaxing or dreamy. It actually makes the emptiness of my brain feel more real in my body. After I feel this, I can almost promise you I won’t accomplish any other task after that moment.

These visceral reactions to the events around me happen very frequently. My body talks to me throughout the day; I listen, but I am confused. This are new messages being sent to me, unusual messages that I am not used to receiving. I suppose it will just take time and more self-reflection. I would appreciate any feedback you may have.

Does your body have strong physical reactions to stress? Do you ever experience them so strongly to the extent that you can’t do anything? What advice do you have, or have you experienced anything similar?

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