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by aperson20572

The P Word

February 22, 2021 in Be Positive

Growing up, I was not allowed to say the word “perfect.” It was a parenting technique used to help my brother and me keep from obsessing over details or getting disappointed over a B in school. My parents didn’t want us to think their love was conditional. They made it clear they expected us to try our best, and we should strive for “good enough.”

Going through school, this kind of backfired on me because I was the one putting pressure on myself to ace everything. But now that I am almost out of college, I can look back and see where this “P word” ban benefitted me.

We all feel pressure to be perfect, especially on social media. I’ve stayed off of platforms like Instagram and Twitter, but I still feel it. But I have a little voice in the back of my head that stops me before I finish thinking about how perfect someone else is and how that somehow means I am a failure. That little voice is triggered by the word perfect. Even when I just think it.

We also feel pressure to be perfect at school and work. Whether self-inflicted or inflicted by others like bosses or family, this pressure can cripple productivity and self-esteem. Remembering that “perfect” is an ideal and not a goal helps alleviate that pressure. We are not on the universal scale of “failure” to “perfect”, we are on individual scales of “not trying” to “trying our best.” And that is good enough.

How does your parent use “perfect” around you? Where do you think most of the pressure you go through comes from?

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by aperson20572

Forgiving Yourself

February 16, 2021 in Educate Yourself

I know that it’s not my fault. But I still feel guilty. Guilty that I let him in, guilty that I didn’t totally kick him out of my life right then and there, guilty that recovery took so long.

The short version of what happened is I was touched inappropriately by someone I thought was my friend without my consent. This happened almost four years ago, at the end of senior year of high school. It was my first “sexual experience.” I had never even kissed anyone before this happened. There was high school drama aftermath, of course, and I lost my support system at school to the rumors.

I suffered with PTSD-like symptoms (not officially diagnosed) and the first year afterwards was really rough. Advice from new college friends was to forgive him so I could have closure. But I can’t forgive him. What he did was wrong, and he lied about it to everyone. I felt ruined, stuck. It took eight months to even say out loud the words “that was sexual assault.”

When I finally thought I was ready to date, I ended up with someone who used me for my body and the things he could do to it. Everything was technically consensual, but I certainly was not in my right mind yet. I was pressured to live up to his expectations. That relationship thankfully only lasted a few months, but it sent me back down the spiral.

I wanted to give up. I felt so mad at them, but I realized that parts of that anger and hurt feelings were directed back at me. I was beating myself up for being in the room, for not putting up a fight, for falling for the manipulation and overlooking the red flags. I didn’t have clarity in the moment to react the ways I should have, and I partially blamed myself because of it.

I can’t and won’t forgive them, but I found a way to forgive myself. I spent a lot of time stuck reliving the mindset I was in then, and slowly I realized just how different that girl was to who I became, who I am. Seeing my growth as a person gave me the opportunity to apologize to my younger self, for not being there to protect her yet. And that has been one of the biggest steps in my recovery. It opened a door I didn’t know was closed.

That person? That younger me? I saw how much she hated herself. What she needed from me was love and acceptance, not a constant reminder of her mistakes. So I gave it to her, to myself, and it worked.

Do you tend to blame yourself for things that have happened in your life? Have you ever forgiven yourself for something? What has self-acceptance been like for you?

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by aperson20572

Resolutions: Setting SMART Goals

December 28, 2020 in Be Positive, Educate Yourself

It’s that time again. While the January gym rush may look a little different this year, I wanted to share my goal-setting process and reflect on my 2020 resolutions. Well-set goals are SMART:

Specific

If you put the planning into creating a narrow goal, it takes less brainpower to start going after it.

Measurable

It should be clear when you accomplish your goal, or how much progress you have made.

Attainable

Goals should be realistic for the individual making them (you can’t break all your bad habits at once with no mistakes)

Relevant

Goals should align with one’s long-term objectives

Time-based

Setting a deadline or end date helps with motivation (with resolutions it may or may not make sense to have a timeline)

With these qualities in mind, I set these resolutions for 2020:

  1. Writing in my journal on average every third day
  2. Switching from dramas to documentaries
  3. Wait until I’m done chewing to get the next bite on my fork

The first is a variation of my usual “I want to write in my journal every night.” I had to be real with myself and make it Attainable. This also helps with Measurable. I haven’t quite met this average, but I haven’t beat myself up for missing a few days in a row like I have in years past. This will likely be a resolution I keep for 2021.

The second is a step in my long-term “get the heck off social media and the internet” plan. If I can get away from the seasons and seasons of dramas (no shade to Grey’s Anatomy but that’s one that sucks me in), that’s one of the strongest pulls to the Internet for me. I’d really like that time back, but I know I can’t just leave the Internet cold turkey. So this goal is Relevant and Specific. I’m happy to report that this has kind of worked, although I didn’t know how many series of documentaries there are! This goal was overall a success, so I’m going to tweak it for 2021 and keep moving forward.

The third is simply because I eat too fast. But instead of saying “eat slower” I had to make something more Specific and Measurable for myself, otherwise I wouldn’t know how to start. In terms of performance, this is on and off. Sometimes I remember, others I don’t. I think I’ll keep this again for 2021 because I want it to become a subconscious action.

So I suppose my resolutions are set for 2021 already! I’m happy with that.

The reason why I won’t make more is because for me, three is about the maximum I can reasonably work on at a time. That in itself is a demonstration of Attainable goal setting.

If you have set resolutions, or even general goals for yourself, what do you consider when making them? Have you ever accomplished a goal or successfully developed a habit? How were you able to do so?

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by aperson20572

Getting Through the Holidays with Difficult Family Dynamics

November 25, 2020 in Educate Yourself, LINKS

‘Tis the season. Even though a lot of us have been spending so much “quality time” at home with our families, there is a special something about the holidays (mostly Thanksgiving and Christmas, but all the holidays in this season) that brings out traits in people that may lay dormant during the rest of the year.

There also may be a group of us (myself included) who are not with our families for most of the year, but will travel to see them for winter break. A lot of universities in the U.S. are doing all virtual classes between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so this essentially translates to an extra few weeks around our families that we would not have had otherwise.

I am blessed with a welcoming, open-minded, and accepting family. But I know several people who are not as lucky, and I feel for anyone out there who feel like they cannot be themselves safely with the set of people on this Earth who are supposed to love and accept you unconditionally.

Remember you are not alone.

For some, they can hold their tongue through offensive or disrespectful comments from family. My advice for those planning to do this: have a friend or sibling or someone to let out your feelings around. Someone you can be yourself with in the quiet moments. Bottling up your frustration may work for a while at a time, but you should not try to keep it in for long.

For others that find themselves in arguments with family and have nowhere to go, my advice is really similar. Look for someone that understands you – a sibling, friend, online stranger, anyone you can look to for support. It will take time to find middle ground, if such is possible, so patience really is important here.

It is not wrong to ask for help or support.

If you need a listening ear, you can always reach out to the YouthLine crisis hotline by texting teen2teen to 839863 or calling 1-877-968-8941. This resource is geared towards 11-21 year olds and you do not need to be in a crisis to reach out.

What are Thanksgivings like in your home? How have your family members acted if you’ve been upset during Thanksgivings in the past? Do you have people in your household or anyone who is easily accessible for you to talk to if holidays are difficult at your home?

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by aperson20572

Feeling Lost and Without Direction

November 9, 2020 in Be Positive

Anyone else out there indecisive about their future? I know I am. I picked to go to college for business school because I could go into any industry easily without needing additional education. Basically I was indecisive. I am now graduating in the spring and have gathered two majors that are fairly different. And I can’t choose which field to go into!

One of my industries hires full-time workers very early, like now, and the other won’t have job opportunities up until February or March. So I am now, finally, faced with a choice. A choice that I have procrastinated for years, which just places more pressure on me.

In my search of a dozen or so online job boards, I have found some jobs that would have been totally satisfying for me that don’t even require a college degree, so I am even doubting my choice to go to college while conversely beating myself up for not having enough ambition. Or at least, not the right kind of ambition.

So what do I do?

First, I asked myself how long I could take the job search before I just couldn’t take any more. After some introspection, I set a goal. I want to accept a job offer by the end of the calendar year (December 31). So that means I will likely go into the industry that hires early. Okay, well no one’s career goes in a straight line their whole life. Making this decision now certainly doesn’t discount my skills or opportunities in the other industry. It just means I have to work a little harder to keep my finger on the pulse (ie. being active in professional associations, reading the right news, making professional connections, etc).

So as of drafting this blog, I do have one job offer on the table, and I’m hoping for another in a couple weeks before I have to make my decision. While neither is perfect, I have realized that perfection just doesn’t exist. There is no one gig that will fit all my checkmarks. And even if there was I certainly wouldn’t find it fresh out of college in a pandemic.

Cheers to good enough!

Have you ever had to make a difficult choice, especially about your future? Have you ever procrastinated on important decisions? Are you going through this process right now, whether it be looking for a job or applying to colleges?

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by aperson20572

Why I Don’t “Come Out”

September 22, 2020 in Educate Yourself

Hi everyone, I am a pansexual female.

Ugh, I don’t like that. I have very mixed feelings about “coming out” in the stereotypical ‘you might want to sit down for this conversation’ kind of way. It seems productive in the way of letting people know a part of your identity and normalizing our existence (by “our” I mean non-straight people). But in other ways it seems counterproductive because it makes a divide between straight and non-straight people (since straight people don’t have to come out) and also makes the sexuality of non-straight people a big deal. To some extent, I feel like that is doing the opposite of normalizing LGBT+. I don’t want to overlook awareness for LGBT+, but I also don’t want my sexuality to define me in the eyes of my friends/family/coworkers.

I want to live in a world where who I have dated, am dating, or want to date is not a big deal. So I don’t make it one. I don’t come out, at least not explicitly. I mean I don’t shy away from talking about my ex-girlfriend with family, friends, classmates, or coworkers, and I will happily stand up for LGBT+ rights any time. But I don’t bring it up unless it makes sense in conversation. In my mind, this is what “normalizing” LGBT+ looks like. It’s not a big deal that I’m not only into guys.

Now, I know that I pass as straight. I understand for some it is the ultimate goal, but honestly it frustrates me. I feel the need to correct people when they ask if I have a boyfriend, because if I let the assumption that I only date men slide, then I am somehow failing my sexuality and the community. But I am in a relationship with a man (so they’re right in that way), and it feels futile to say “Well yes I do have a partner who happens to be male this time but doesn’t have to be”. 

I can also acknowledge that I may only feel this way about coming out because I live in an accepting environment. My family does not treat me differently and neither do my friends or coworkers. That was clear to me before my sexuality was. So it never had to be a big deal. 

When it comes to greater society (ie. my college campus and professional network), is it bad to hold that same mentality?

P.S. This train of thought reminds me of a comedy video I watched a few years ago. There is some NSFW language used in this video.

Do you identify as non-straight in any way? How does this aspect of your identity play a role in your life?

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by aperson20572

Physical Distancing and Social Obstacles

September 1, 2020 in COVID-19, Educate Yourself

At the beginning of the stay-at-home orders, I heard someone say “it’s not social distancing, it’s just physical distancing”. At the time, I thought that was a great way to put it. In the age of the Internet and social media, it’s almost the best time for everyone to connect from our homes.

After a few weeks, then months, I slowly lost that positivity. I now feel like growing a friend group in the next year is borderline impossible. This may be due to my living situation. In March, I was living with 3 members of my family. Then in May, I moved to temporary summer housing for an internship. I shared a house with one person I did not know previously. She moved out in July, and I am on my own through the rest of the summer and the fall (I will have no roommates in the college dorms).

To say physical distancing does not impact social distance is naïve in my opinion. Of course I feel isolated, because I am not spending my time with people in the way that I have my whole life up to this point. Making the shift is difficult, especially when it seems temporary (but maybe not really).

As a person who likes to show affection physically (I’m a hugger!) I struggle to make virtual friends. It doesn’t feel like the same kind of connection. But I shouldn’t discount what I have just because it is different. It’s time to focus on what I can do, instead of what I’m used to that is no longer on the table.

Now it is the time to reach out, adjust, be patient, and let new connections develop naturally.

What is your current physical social situation like? Are you living alone? With others? Have you experienced any changes in your living situation? Have these transitions affected you in any way?

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by aperson20572

Leaving Therapy

August 18, 2020 in Educate Yourself

I’ve seen a therapist on and off for three years. As a college student, my campus provides free counseling for students by future therapists getting their hours. Since my freshman year (3 years ago) I have seen 4 different counselors.

To describe why I took the walk across campus to make my first appointment at the counseling center at the beginning of college, I couldn’t really explain it. I just had a feeling I should go. Only during the sessions did I realize why (traumatic life experiences I might go into more detail about in a future blog post). Looking back, I am really happy I took the time to go, even though I didn’t have a clear reason pushing me into the office.

Each of my counselors have had a slightly different approach. I never wished to be diagnosed or treated with medication, so by my request it was all talk therapy.

Over my freshman year, I felt like I only got worse. But I kept going to the counselor, because I knew that she could share her tools with me to help me recover. Only by April did I start to feel better (8 months in). Then the summer rolled around and I did not see anyone for the few months. There were also some life events that occurred during that time that pushed me back into counseling in the fall. By the end of my sophomore year, I decided that I would be okay without therapy any more. Then when schools shut down towards the end of my junior year, I hit a low point and reached back out to the counseling center, and my counselor just finished her rotation with the university at the end of July. I decided not to ask for a new counselor.

How could I tell I would be okay without a counselor for almost a year and now for the foreseeable future? That’s a question I am still trying to put into words.

I know I can function day-to-day, deal with small stressors and manage my schoolwork-life balance. But there is certainly a difference between being able to function and being okay. I would say it’s accurate to say I felt stable. I was not dissociating or having flashbacks frequently. But I think the more important part is that I felt that I had the tools to be able to deal with them on my own when they do return.

If  you have ever attended therapy, when did you start? Have you ever stopped? If so, did you choose to? Have you ever taken long gaps between therapy?

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