In a Dark Place

I really want to write something inspirational, but I am not feeling very inspirational right now. In my previous post I talked about my struggle with anxiety, but I kind of need to touch on depression.

Since I was a child, I would often feel a deep sadness for seemingly no reason. It was part of why I did not really have friends when I was younger. I would also cry and not know why I was crying, which looking back may have been odd behavior for a child. Although I struggled with this since I was very young, I never actually sought help until I was 18. I wish I would have sooner. There was so much I didn’t understand and still don’t understand.

Sometimes I just wake up and feel an intense sadness and lack of will to get out of bed. I feel as if I might cry or need a hug. I, of course, never told anyone I felt this way. First, because I didn’t understand it, and second, because I felt embarrassed. I was not super comfortable in sharing my emotions. I preferred to keep to myself and still do, but it is healthy to open up every once in a while.

Mental illness such as depression can be genetic but it is important to consider nature vs nurture. I had a rough childhood growing up. I was raised by a single mom with my little sister and she had some abusive boyfriends come in and out of our lives. I guess it makes sense I ended up so damaged. I used to wonder why I am the way that I am, but looking back, the odds were never in my favor. Even now I still feel the hopelessness I used to feel so often growing up. I have since been away from my family and been getting treatment, so the depression is a lot more tolerable.

However, it will never stop being a part of my life. I still have days where I don’t want to get out of bed for work or school. I have always had good grades despite being an emotional mess, but lately it is harder to balance grades and my well-being. I am in college now, so the work is a lot harder and the stakes are a lot higher. The stress is constant and the hopelessness can make it impossible. I graduated high school at the top of my class and now I fear I won’t graduate college. I know this may be hard to read, but it is how I feel currently and I would be lying if I said that I was happy and okay. I am not sure I will ever be okay, but I will try my best.

Mental health is very important and it impacts all aspects of your life and I really want to succeed. I want to get my degree and be successful, it just feels so far away right now. This may not be a positive post, but perhaps it is relatable to some people out there. It probably won’t make anyone feel better, but maybe it will make someone feel less alone.

Have you felt down or that you’re in a rut recently? Are there moments when you feel like your mental health journey goes backwards? How do you handle or cope with intense depressive episodes?