Compulsions

Compulsion.

Noun.

First definition: the action or state of forcing or being forced to do something; constraint.

Constraint…

 

Hello.

My name is I_Collect_Words, and I am no longer defined by my compulsions.

 

Let me tell you my story.

Once upon a time, not so long, long ago…

I had a disorder.

A disorder that handed me chains and whispered sweet lies into my ears.

It flashed false smiles, lulling me into a state of vulnerability and dependency.

It contently hummed that I was finally not alone, nor would I ever be alone again.

It placed these chains into my open palms, telling me I couldn’t possibly escape my binds.

 

It lied.

 

For what felt like an eternity, I fell through the rabbit hole of my disorder.

It worked like an endless cycle, never letting me escape, not even for a moment.

Stress and anxiety caused the compulsions to appear.

The compulsions released chemicals that tricked my brain into feeling relieved.

However, this caused the part of me that was fighting against the compulsions to feel stress.

At the sight of this stress and anxiety, there were always my compulsions there to “help” me.

 

The more I struggled, the more it bothered me.

The more it bothered me, the more I struggled.

 

It was like quicksand, and I was sinking.

I was sinking fast.

I tried therapy and I tried drugs and that was all there was to try but I kept on trying anyway.

I told myself every single day that I was going to conquer this disorder.

I told myself that it was just a dumb thing my brain did: that it didn’t have anything to do with me.

I refused to give up until this thing, this thing that was holding me back, was no more.

I focused all my attention on it, forcing all my willpower into stopping the compulsions.

And yet, it only grew stronger, harder to control, harder to disobey.

 

I was completely lost; I had no clue how to stop this disorder from swallowing me whole.

I was ready to give up.

I had tried everything, and none of it had worked.

There was nothing left to do.

So that’s what I did: nothing.

 

Here’s the thing about quicksand; Indiana Jones and The Princess Bride lied.

No matter how fast or slow you’re sinking, you’ll only be pulled so far under.

The truth is, as strange as it might be, humans actually float in quicksand.

 

I was prepared to lose myself to my disorder.

I’d thought I had lost all control.

I’d given myself permission to lose all control.

I’d closed my palms, gripping the chains I had been handed, and hopelessly tied myself up.

I’d quietly turned the key, hearing the lock click, and told myself that my disorder had done this.

 

Compulsion.

Noun.

First definition: the action or state of forcing or being forced to do something; constraint.

 

Constraint.

The only thing I hadn’t thought to do was to do nothing at all.

These constraints were built around a fighter, and I had been fighting against them all along.

But, like the quicksand, all I had to do to free myself was let go.

All I had to do to win was allow myself to fail.

 

I loosened my sore muscles, curled up in a ball, and cried.

The water from my tears soaked into the quicksand and thinned it out, making it easy to escape.

As I shrunk smaller and smaller, my chains had less and less to constrain.

The now rusty metal fell to the floor, rattling pathetically.

 

Compulsion.

Noun.

Second definition: an irresistible urge to behave in a certain way, especially against one’s conscious wishes.

 

I had let myself believe for so long that my compulsions were irresistible.

So long, in fact, that I had forgotten who I am.

 

So, who am I?

My name is I_Collect_Words, and I am not defined by my compulsions.

 

They are a mere chemical imbalance in my brain.

The very same brain, you might note, that I control.

 

I do not have to let these urges make me behave in any certain way.

I am bigger than my compulsions, and I make my own decisions now.

My disorder does not get to break any of my rules, especially not against my conscious wishes.

 

Compulsion.

Noun.

Imaginary constraint.

 

Compulsion.

Noun.

An irrelevant urge to behave in a certain way.

 

My name is I_Collect_Words, and I have a disorder that does not get to live my life for me.

That is my story.

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How do you cope to fight back the negative feelings and the chains that your brain tries to tie you under? Have you ever experienced these feelings before? Do you have any advice on what to do when you don’t feel like yourself?