seashell24 posted an update 1 year, 4 months ago
So as of lately I have been feeling very down, even more so than usual. I could not quite put my finger on why I was sad. I mean for me, if I could at least label a reason why I was feeling down that would have made a lot more sense to me than just being plain old sad without a sustainable reason. I typically do not express my feelings with others, mostly because I don’t know how to articulate what the problem is , but today I decided to take action. I was really inspired by a quote I had heard early on in the week and it gave me the courage to actually talk to someone about what I was experiencing. The quote went ” The worse thing about being strong is no one ever asks if you are okay.” When I heard this it resonated with me so much because although I spend about 98% of my day around people no one ever stopped to ask if I was okay. No one ever stopped to ask if I was dealing with anything or what I could be going through. Although I do not wear ” HEY, I’M DEPRESSED” on a t-shirt, doesn’t mean I am not dealing with things or that my sadness is not so overwhelming that sometimes it is hard to get out of bed or makes simple everyday task like driving to work a long drawn out task that I absolutely dread. It was not until after hearing that quote that I decided that I was going to take action. That I would no longer be a victim of my circumstances and that I was going to reach out to my therapist in order to change my situation. When I met with my therapist, she immediately greeted me so warmly and with so much compassion. When she looked at me, there was no judgement in her eyes and I could tell she knew something was bothering me. She asked me to sit down and began to tell me that whatever I say is confidential and would stay in that room. I liked that. I made me feel safe and like after all this time that someone finally understood. I began telling her what I was feeling. The overwhelming negative thoughts that constantly creep into the back of my mind and stay there for what feels like an eternity constantly bringing me down and threating any little peace I am able to muster up that day. The feeling of always being alone even when you are with people. The feeling of wanting to be angry you are feeling this way, but not having the energy to express anything. I couldn’t care about anything even if I wanted to. As I am telling my story, she just listened. So patient. Never once interrupting, assuming, or judging. She just listened. When I was finished, she paused for a brief moment and said — “Seashell” I believe you to have Major Depressive Disorder. She said it is very common and can be found in a lot of women my age. She ask if I had ever done any outpatient therapy or group sessions. I told her I hadn’t. Outside of her I had never spoken to anyone about my depression until now and I didn’t know what to call it. She told me she wanted me to come back and see her at least once a week and she prescribed me a medication. I have just started so I am waiting to see how it helps, but I know just talking to someone about it has been a great first step. Hopefully by the end of this journey I will be able to feel like myself again.